Thursday, 23rd February 2012

Today I feel good. Not great, but good.

I've taken the worst week ever, down. Insya Allah. Alhamdulillah.

Harini gaji masuk!!! :)

HATI SAYA PART 8

My tears are just words that my heart can't express. Really.

HATI SAYA PART 7

Hopefully, this is my final post about you. I am too broken-hearted that I just want to forget all these and MOVE ON.

I am now walking away from your life. Whether you like it or not. Stop trying to make me feel guilty with your last message. This is my HEART we are talking about. I know that you are very happy now with your newly found soulmate, and all you just wanna do is freaking scream to the whole world on how happy you are.

And you expect me to be happy for you, and still be your friend and act as if nothing happened between us? You expect me to gleefully join the parade, clapping my hands, throwing bouquets and cheerfully wishing all and whatnot while you blissfully ride into the sunset with your newly-found?

Yes, we once agreed on that, but I just can't. I know we once agreed that we will still be happy for each other if things didn't work out, but I just can't. I am sorry. I AM SORRY.

I have no choice, because...

THIS IS MY HEART WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!! Your happiness comes at MY, MY expense!

No matter how sweet your smile is, no matter how pretty your face is, no matter how good your hair smells, but once you've DONE so many things with me, CREATED so many memories with me, and then you move on and DUMP ME JUST LIKE THAT or just want to be CASUAL with me...

Your smile, your face and your hair can all go to HELL for all I care.

HATI SAYA PART 6

I know we had an agreement. I know we thought that none of us will be this badly broken. I know we thought we are just a "thing" we used to fulfill our romantic temperament. I know. I know. I know.

Please stop telling me to rationalize my feelings. I can't rationalize my feelings. All I know is that someone I love is no longer mine. It's as simple a that.

I just didn't expect all this will happen. I thought I'd be fine with this too, but still it just broke my heart.

I am glad I have no reader anymore. It is always easier to pour out, when you think everyone is looking the other way.

HATI SAYA PART 5

Can anyone please tell me, how much longer will this lasts? I'm really torn already.

HATI SAYA PART 4

Did you know that no matter how much you are lacking in sleep, you will auto wake up at 6am if your heart is broken? Why? The truth is, people don't just sometimes sleep with a broken heart. They sometimes also wake up with a broken heart. And it feels just as bad. Just as painful.

I think I am crazy. For thinking that I can heal soon. Now I know, it will not be soon. I felt sorry to my hati, I did a terrible job in taking care of it. I will never open up my heart like this anymore. It is just not worth it.

And YOU! Please don't say you will still love me no matter what. "I still Love You, No matter what Mad"... sounds FREAKIN EPIC, but truthfully, it is just a stupid, derogatory, overrated, pretentiously benevolent, distasteful and most importantly, GENERICALLY STANDARD break up line that everyone says, and just like other break up lines of those sort, THEY DON'T MEAN IT.

You're not making me feel better, but you're giving me hope, and making it harder for me to leave all this behind.

So please don't talk coz your talk is cheap.

HATI SAYA PART 3

I need clarity.

That is the only way I can get all these feelings out of me.

Yes, I want to get over you. And yes, I would love to go back to just being friends. But how can I ever achieve that in one week? I'm only human.

You are selfish. I wanted to let you go, but you made it so hard for me. Seeing you sad makes me unable to let you go.

But one day I will heal. When that time comes, I won't care anymore about how you feel. I won't be bothered to try to understand the kind of sadness you are in. And when all these come, I will be very thankful to Allah, and walk high and ... leave you forever.

I am sorry. I know I said this a bit too late. I love you. I do.

Ik ben droevig.

Perdoname.

HATI SAYA PART 2

Today is Friday, an afdhal day for us Muslims to make our dua. Today insya Allah, will be better than yesterday. Today, with the help of Allah, I hope to achieve 10% more clarity and 10% more inner peace, than yesterday.

And as my Tennis Coach frequently mentioned, "Muhammad, All is Well... You're almost there".

Anyway Hati, today I can tell you are a bit healed up. Don't worry ok, just hold my hands and we will take this journey forever. I know you are hurting, but I am here to ensure that you will soon walk out of all this, stronger. You know I love you, and I wouldn't want to see you so down and low at all times. I love you, Hati.

ps untuk hati saya: today will be the last day, insya Allah, we wake up crying ok? I love you.

HATI SAYA

Hati,

Boleh tak awak jangan terluka lagi? Kesian laa dekat saya.... Selama ni saya besarkan awak dan saya lindungi awak... saya tak bagi peluang pun pada sesiapa untuk luka kan awak.... tp sekarang ni bila awak dah terluka.... saya yang menanggung sengsara.

sembuh la cepat cepat, ok hati? kesian dekat saya kan?

Maybe i need a different constellation?

Well, here I am again, after nine months of disappearing, I am back to writing again. This time I will be honest with myself... I just don't see myself writing permanently anymore. It will only be a form of a much needed therapy, when the situation calls for it. Which means if I bounce back well from recent tragedy, I believe this year will only hold probably 2 or 3 posts (I hope lah).

The truth is I can't sleep. Because I can't quite silence the thought in my head about someone that I really cared about. About someone that I never realized that I could terribly miss. About that someone that will possible leave me forever, now that I have been replaced....

And that sucks. A lot of my friends are exchanging marital vows and giving their first child that first "lift" and I am still here, in my miserable mid-20s life, possibly having a super early mid-life crisis and still dwelling around on fundamental matters on how do I handle a romantic relationship. Yes, I know that I am a late-bloomer, but at this kind of speed...honey I'm telling you time doesn't wait and one day you'll realize it does nothing but come marching straight into your face! (well, more into my face!).

Anyway, I wish you all the best in life. I am trying very hard to remove you, bit by bit out of my mind, and I hope the next one I meet will be the one that stays.

I will need to leave because, I believe if I stay, I will only be in your way... so I'm not gonna expect much, but if our paths ever crossed again in the future, a friendly wave or a sincere "Hi!" from you will really make my day.

Ok, goodnight everyone. By this point, I am quite sure I have ZERO reader. Nevertheless, goodnight everyone.

your courier item is with us...

i found solace and contentment by running in the evening, when i'm done with work and stuff. i've had friends and i've known quite a number of people who has shrinks or therapists in search of serenity and longevity in inner peace. it works by the patient opening up their hearts and souls and pouring everything out like water gushing out of a hole in a damn. at the price of 100 dollars an hour.

maybe i haven't reached that stage where i need to pay someone to listen to me, or pay them to tell me things that i have already known about but not too firm to believe in it until another soul tells me to. but whatever the case, i still prefer running when i feel like my innards are about to implode due to stress or overbearing burden from just being human. and it's cheaper. all you need is good running shoes (you don't even need a shirt to run, to be brutally honest) and amidst all the salty sweat and panting breaths, you suddenly feel like you are at your best again.

one of my good friend emailed me and wrote on how she misses me and how she feels as if things doesn't turn out the way she has planned them on. of course, i miss her too. the truth is, i've had SO much fun and happy (and adventurous) times in uni years, that i often compared how things were back then and how everything is at the present. and all these comparisons will usually end in me being slightly sad (or maybe angry) that things are not the same anymore and how it seems so impossible to relive your past good memories or build your life exactly in the same way it was back then. reliving my old times mean finding the same kind of friends and living in a place that somehow resembles where we were. and both were impossible... with me being in Miri.

good things are not so commonly found sometimes, and when you've had the kind of blast in life that you are never too tired to replay them over and over again in your mind, you are somehow smacked flat to the ground, knowing that it will never repeat itself. maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to have your youth years filled with average and mediocre memories or point-of-actions. then you won't miss them so much, at least.

this is a bit unfair, but i am only looking at my life in Miri as a learning ground for work and other goals in life, solely. once i feel comfortable with all these goals already, i'm outta here insya Allah. i'm serious.

Anastacia

The thing about wanting to be a constant blogger is; you can never be a constant blogger. you disappear at times because you were too busy and get too caught up with other issues in life, or as a more frequent scenario may hold, you just ran out of ideas on what to write. yeap it's true, thousands of things are happening around the world involving millions of citizens and at the end of the day, when all you believed you need is to hit the keyboard and do some thought processing... nothing came out.

it's a little wonder that among the truckloads amount of blogs out there, majority of them are crap (just like this blog). the only person who reads the posts are the writers themselves, and more than 7 times a week, they are guaranteed to at least think to stop blogging altogether. and yes, i wonder too, why in the name of heavens i keep on blogging.

i used to have a lot of readers in my blog few years back (ironically, those were the days when my posts were nothing but an awful lot of crap with very few interesting ideas). those were the days when everyone in sydney (my group of friends, at least) spent a good 1 hour a day stalking other peers' blogs or wrote one themselves.

but those days are gone, their daily one-hour period are now occupied with more important stuff like attending to their wives, or dining out with friends and having an actual conversations with an actual person out there. but it's different for me... still single at 25, very unenthusiastic about the social scene in Miri and apart from work and gym, i really don't do anything else here.

thus, i kept on writing and not publishing most of my posts. by the way, i now weigh 70kgs and apparently my chest is broader now (according to some). thanks to gym i suppose... and protein supplements.

generally, i write to practice and also because if i don't write, i'll go mad. at times. sometimes.

i can't believe i'm saying this; but more than ever now, i'm just so sick of being single and can't wait to try a new ride called 'relationships'. although i really believe that i will be horribly bad at it. well, probably this is not me speaking, maybe it's just the post-work stress. goodnight!

i left you outside.

it's amazing how a human can create strong bonds with another person through a simple common ground. i believe that you shouldn't be too strict on who your friends are. but you definitely need to be strict on whom you choose to trust.

it's a bit sad, but I have only discovered that the things that are worth doing in your life, are usually the things that are difficult to do. it took me 25 bloody years to actually fathom and digest that concept.

i spent an average 1 hour per day browsing beautiful people's blog or personal webpage, up to a point that i can tell what's their full name, who are their bestfriends, which restaurants they usually frequent to and what sort of pet do they have. i don't think i'm a stalker, i'm just one of those fortunate people who knows my way around the net.

it's disgusting how some people you know added you in facebook, and then removed you from their friends' list over a small argument. what's even more disgusting is people who doesn't know how to be humble and utter 'i'm sorry'. they're pathetic, and i'm glad in not connected with you through facebook anymore (hey, facebook is a big deal ok!).

i am only updating my blog tonight because it's tuesday, and i know that you read my blog every tuesday :) i love you.