Thursday, May 31, 2007

i'm sick of the current layout. hence, i changed. and don't leave the adjective "dramatically" for that one.

this is just another reason to thank IrwanShazman

Song: Say It Right, by Nelly Furtado (probably for the 186th time)

muhammad

30 MAY 2007: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIRAH! Only God knows how much I appreciate your patience in listening, selflessness, and your true friendship spirit. Will keep you for life, and that's a promise

mamid and dirah:


muka monyok...ingat cumils kah?!



31 MAY 2007: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOODSISTAH, RAIHANAH! A person with one of the most intriguing soul I've known, she's doesn't know she is sooo special to sooo many people!

my sister, raihanah and my youngest bro, Ismail. I think she's very pretty. You shut up!


mamat and nana, desert:


with nana during our last few days together in Doha:

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Rachel Smith



Video 1



Video 2

I'm sure all of you are now aware of the fact that Miss USA, Rachel Smith falls on her cute butt (video 1) on the runaway during the Miss Universe beauty pageant contest held in Mexico City. And after that, she STILL made it to the top 5 and of course she was booed for that (video 2). Honestly, i don't see that as something totally biased, just because she's an American.

Before that, let me remind you; Miss Universe competition is one of the most highly rated and noted beauty pageant competition in the world. Obviously, their objectives is to find the "right multi-talented and passionate" girl to serve as role model for other females in the world for the next 365 days (although sometimes i feel that this competition exploits women legally a bit too much).

I personally think that it was very inappropriate for the audiences (be it the Mexicans, or the non-Mexicans) to actually "boo" her and leave that humiliating thought in her head for the rest of her life!

I mean come on, I'm sure most of the audiences booed her because of the fact that she's from America. But aren't you smart enough NOT to attack an indiviual just because she came from the country Bush reigns power??? It's the Miss Universe, leave that political hatred behind, for goodness sake!

And yeah sure, she falls down. So what? Everybody has that "Ooops!" or "Oh-mon-Dieu what am I doing?!" or "God let me turn back time please!" moment in their life. So what's the big deal? She deserves to be in the top 5, because she's smart, she's charming and she has other quilities as well! Open up! Are you gonna say that your mother isn't the best mummy in the world just because she falls flat in the supermarket? I'm sure falling down is bad enough, but still, that doesn't hinder the fact that she possess other desirable qualities to be in the top 5!

In fact, i think Rachel Smith is a very strong and relaxed and smart girl. Imagine, she falls in front of 1 billion viewers, and STILL, she managed to put up that dazzling smile and give that graceful parade. I'm sure other female audiences who booed her would have cried or lost control or whatsoever, right? I've been in that position before, when something went out really wrong on a stage with about 100 people watching me (and she has 1 billion, remember?) and i found it really hard to even carve a smile after that. For that, she deserves a credit, to say the least.

She also acted educatedly by saying "Buenos Noches Mexico" and "Gracias Mexico", even after 80% of the audieces booed her (simply becasue she made it to the top 5 even after falling down in the evening gown part). And that, is a WOW! She didn't show any slight hint of anger, or sadness or even give that "defeated look". And that's a sign of a strong personality, don't you think so?

So, luck wasn't really on her side. So what?




Monday, May 28, 2007

ok i just posted 15 selected pictures from the birthdy party. and damn i have 2 quizzes tomorrow, one mid term the day after next and 2 assignments due, not to forget. and still i can find time to put them over there. have fun viewing!

when you say nothing at all, by ronan keating (or wat is boyzone?)
muhammad

Birthday Pictures Part 3





Birthday Pictures Part 2





AS PROMISED...





Sunday, May 27, 2007



i like it very much!

Friday, May 25, 2007

a new outlook

personally, i don't think i should be blogging bout this. but i still feel the urgency to write bout this somewhere, so that i can sleep in peace tonight, knowing that my beliefs has been encripted somewhere, as a more powerful and more concrete story. hence...

i read my blog, my OTHER BLOG, which is not this one a few days back. it was dated 24th june 2006. and in that particular entry, i wrote there that i think i'm falling in love with one of my friend, here in sydney. i've been liking her a few months before that, but on that particular day, the feelings was no longer sensational...but it has became a passion. maybe, maybe that's why i blogged about it.

but as usual (as history repeats itself, and i understand that concept very well in fact), i didn't get to "pursue" what i desired. because of some difficult reasons. unexplainable and inevitable, more likely. so i spent the next 10 months or so liking someone from afar, caring about her more than i care about myself at some point, without her knowing it. always, i miss her. it's not fun. so lets laugh at the foolish muhammad HAHAHAHAHA!

anyway, about 1 week ago, i suddenly realised that the infatuation i had for the girl has somehow, come to an end! after constant "self-pushing" and telling myself to get over her, i finally did! after almost a year. finally, i am able to see her as just a "normal human being". before this i was really blinded by all her "charms" but now not anymore. i still care for her, but i can accept the fact now if she's with someone else.

so what's the difference?

when i like her so much, i have the unseen excitedness in life. i have something to look fwd to. i'd go thru the trouble to find out her schedule, so both of us can just "bump" into each other. if she gave the rare extra attention, the happiness could sustain me for over 2 weeks! and i'd be putting extra hair creme, spraying extra drops of body shop's oceanus, and i'd spent a few extra minutes in front of the mirror, just to make sure i loook ok, you know, just to impress her haha! you know, i'd think of some fun conversation to have with her and such. there was always things that i'd looked forward too. but in between, there were also heartaches and uneasiness. i miss her constantly. in short, life was full of bumps.

but now, that i've escaped her magnetic attraction, things are ok. just ok. i wasn't really excited about small things anymore. life seems duller, and there's nothing exactly that wreck my adrenaline, apart from assignments' due dates. my life is now well, quite ok, sometimes dull, sometimes happy, but not exactly performing to the extreme cases. in short, i'm now driving on a flat road, no bumps, no warnings nothing at all.

but this time, i won't complain to God about it. lets just say after a few times of the same failure, i'd prefer an average life, with no extra spices or spectrums, rather than a fun, exciting but full of inside dramas haha. i know i sound so pessimistic, but it's ok, i'm just gonna be like this for the next few months.

i'm also saying, i'd prefer to watch a black and white tv, rather than watching a coloured tv, but the colours sore my eyes.

thank you!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

something pretty

my current favourite song would be "something pretty", sang by patrick park. it's one of the songs from The O.C Mix 2. ain't sure why, but it just reminds me of the times when things and surroundings were just right, everything clicked well and i don't have to resort to thinking too much about pettle betsy little stuff. i call them 'little stuff', but trust me, sometimes they're not little. it's alright, mislabelling works for me, just fine.

18th may 2007.

we had a birthday party celebration for jaih, yaya and budin. and i liked it. the preparation was fantastic. at one point, i was kinda touched when a lot of ppl agreed to voluteer to handle things from different aspects.

it sends shivers to my nerves. how lucky i am to be in a group of people where they are willing to run the extra miles, JUST to make the 'may babies' happy. these are th kind pf thoughts that send me to pure contentment, way beyond portugal-made XX's sneakers, or timberland's utterly leather-made wallet or anything else.

so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to them! and i promise to post more pictures of that night.

20th may 2007.

i worked on the solids and french assignment. for french, it was so wrecked out, that the french version essay was A LOT shorter than the english version that i first wrote. i couldn't think of many words for better description, and i'm starting to get diarrhoea (not sure how to spell it..it's cirit birit u goddamnit!)...from the sentences structures.

i copied dewi's assignment for solids. purely copying. who cares about the plagiarism form. it's always close anyway. oh i forgot, lunch hour ngehngehngeh.

22nd may 2007.

manufacturing 3660 engineering site visit! to newcastle! yes yes finally!

ok done. back to something pretty by patrick park. and done with ciggarate breaks. back to solids. back to copying. back to thanking dewi for just being the smart girl hahaha!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

i just wanna slap my face and shake myself real hard. fcuking wake up! aint gonna hppen!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Happy Birthday Jaih!



15th May 2007.

my friend, Rifhan Zarif or more popularly known as; Jaih@Jay@Jaihness@DewaFluid@HeadHonchoFutsal@GedikQueensNo1Fan turns 22 today. So wishing him best of luck in everything, and Allah bless you always! PS: jgn ponteng tute arab.

22 dah tua ok! baik pikir psl kawin!

1st pic: jaih, jer and anept. baru sampai sydney. zaman2 di mana mereka masih lagi menganggap usyd itu hogwarts LAME!

2nd pic: dah matured skit. amik gmbr pun tak pandng kamera dah. COOL DAN MACHO. konon. muehahhahaaa!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

mukhsin


i watched the movie "mukhsin" with joe and yani. about 10 minutes ago. true, everyone has their first love story to tell.


and my first love story? well lets just say the plots are less moving, but it's still sweet (ye ke?), nonetheless. BLOWBLOW!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

honesty

I asked a friend, "is it possible to be truthfully honest all the time?".

he said strongly.."YES".

well, i don't quite agree.

I perceive myself as someone who is not 100% honest. and by that, i'm not saying that i bullshit my way thru life's ups and downs, but it's more to the fact that i personally view complete honesty or "full-course" honesty as something unrealistic, sometimes impractical and plain hard to apply.

true. honesty is the best policy, but if i were to really ponder on it, or look at it hard enough, i will start ask myself questions like "how honest is honest?". or. i will constantly find myself a way to justify that sometimes, there are other more important factors that stop us from being totally honest. and those factors beat honesty in the totem pole.

this reminds me of the song by billy joel (or someone else...wtv laa) which was "...honesty...is such a lonely word...everybody seems so untrue...".

so do u agree that sometimes we wanna be honest, but because there are other external or internal factors that comes along the way, hence we choose not to be 100% honest? we may hit the 99% honesty jackpot, but not quite the 100%?

i can give you a few examples (and these examples are not meant to "ouch" anyone in any manner, so forgive me if ade yang terasa):

1. lets just start small. my favourite colour is red and blue. but hell a lot of ppl says, i look good in green. so despite the fact that i don't really fancy the nature's colour, i still find half of my wardrobe are filled with green elements, simply because i like hearing people saying i look good in green, altho in reality, i don't really like green. well it's just down right there; i'm not being honest to myself, just to say the least.

2. we claim to be honest. and we live by the so called "honesty lines" in everyday routines. but then again, we missed our prayers. we do things that God forbids and we do all those intentionally, or lest just say, out of pure laziness. and i personally think by settling that way, we're not being honest to ourselves, to God and to our parents (who relentlessly hoped that we contribute good deeds), again, just to state the least.

3. let say we're in a board meeting. and the agenda is to select which advertisement strategy is best employed to enhance, let say, the company's milk product. by personal opinion, i might prefer plan A. but strategically speaking, for the best sake of company's profit margins and continuous bonus being fed to my bank account, plan B seems better. in spite of my personal likings to plan A, i still vote for plan B, because the company's wealth factor beats the honesty to myself factor in the totem pole.

4. or u decide to say that.."hey Sarah! u look good in that yellow top!"..or stuff like that. but in reality, u notice that well, her body is slightly overweight, and the sleeve part is a bit ruffled and yada yada yada. but, u still choose to outweigh the friendship factor over complete honesty factor and u deliberately choose to focus on the overall look, which is, Sarah looks good in that yellow top! well, of course that is a noble thing to do. first, you give away compliment. that's good, keep it alive. and second, instead of being bitchy about Sarah's overweight issue, u choose to not say it, or can i say, you choose not to be totally honest, and still anyway compliment her, because you can see the deposit it has into your relationship bank account with Sarah. you see what i mean? sometimes, we don't say certain things, because we avoid being honest (as the truth might hurts) and we also try to avoid being dishonest. so, avoiding both ends still means that, we are not practicing complete honesty. get what i mean?

5. or let say, you have a distorted sexual orientation. sometimes, ppl like this can't even confront their best friends about it, because why, the factor of scared being judged and discriminated outweighs the factor of complete honesty. hence, we created the saying.."everybody has their dirty laundry..." well politically speaking, that's just a professional way of saying, everybody hides something, don't expect complete honesty from them.

i am not saying that we shouldn't practice honesty. we should. in fact, we should try as hards as we can to be honest. on the contrary, i am only saying that we can't be totally honest/100% honest/completely honest because there are other factors that to us, seemed more important and more desirable and more practical to be held onto. factors like; friendships, not wanting to hurt people's feelings, for the overall benefits of some institutions we are involved in, people's or society's stigma, what religions demand out of us, country values, personal boundaries and many more. of simply said, being totally honest is just plain hard!

but i also think, however, that we can actually be totally honest. but, only to the people who give us unconditional love. these are the people who wouldn't be indifferent towards us, they don't think we are weak if we display our flaws, they don't judge us, they don't spread rumors and stuff like that. if they are our boss, they won't think we are short-sighted, just because we choose to vote for plan A (based on the previous example). personally, i can only be totally honest to my mother, and to some of my best friends. because well, lets just say, they provide me with what i said at the early part of the paragraph. well, don't get me wrong.

there are also other important individuals whom i trusted a lot in my life. but I'm still skeptical that they might treat me differently, just because i chose to open up to them. that is what i mean. hopefully i get to learn to be a bit loose on that.

but yes, i still strongly believe, there's a limit to everything, even in honesty.



Monday, May 07, 2007

sacred division

12.02 am. monday, first class starts in approximately 9 hours and i'm faced with an assignment. break time so i blog phew...

anyway, i had read an article some time ago, and it was something about "your pursue to happiness". i mean it wasnt exactly that, but it was something like that.

and i had a gist of some things that i personally think and feel, and mixed up all the ideas to come out with a stronger notion. of course.

basically, this is what i wanna share:

happiness = (outcomes or results) / (expectations)

outcomes or results, are to be divided by our expectations. literally.
the bigger your expectations, the smaller the happiness and vice vers. mathematically.

isn't that true?

we expected to get only 1, but we achieved, say, 3. and boom, we're happy!

we expected 1, and we got 8 instead, boom, we're happier!!

but if we expected 7, and only got, say, 5? haih not quite a day right?

and i don't wanna start writing about what will happen if u got only 1.5 after expecting a 10. u guys get it, i know.

so in a nutshell, don't expect too much. not expecting too much does NOT mean that we are not ambitious or don't have that "high-achievers" genes. no!

not expecting much, in a more intuitive way means, we are preparing ourselves to face things that might dissapoint us. hence, we won't be so sad and tired of wiping tears after it occured.

it means we are practising to be moderate. we tell ourselves to be aware of this cancerous existence called "flaws" or "malfuntion" etc. we cultivate ourselves to aim for improvements, and not just crave for utmost perfection. it means we're being partly realistic, partly careful. it means we're keeping in touch with the more human part of life. it does not however, kill hope. nope it doesn't.

as the saying goes "hope for the best, but expect the worst". or. "aim high, shoot low". and many more.

so in uni, hope to get a HD or a D, but be prepared and learn to imagine what will happen if you fail. or in a relationship, hope for a happy ending, but be prepared to face it when the worst comes attacking.

you know, basic stuff. but we sometimes forget. and what's the harm of reminding each other right?

fire, by babyface and des'ree

Saturday, May 05, 2007

the butterfly effects

today has been full. full. full. i woke up, had a sugar-rush self-preparation and head for classes. of course, as usual.

anyway, i watched the movie "butterfly effects" on thursday night, and omg i felt goosebumps on my neck after finished watching it. it was just oh-so-the-bomb and i salute the guy who actually manage to come out with such good plot lines, without making it looked too typical. no cliches there. nope.

ok i wasn't goin to blog about how good kutcher was, or how effective the cinematography was, or how mind-boggling the plots were.

everyone who watched the movie will responded in almost the same way; things around us happened for a reason, and trying to play God will not make anything right entirely. simply because we are not God.

and from my personal relations to the movie...

i had a traumatising childhood teasing, where i was called names and being labeled and being discriminated and being isolated just because, well lets just say i wasn't the exactly in the "normal picture". i dont fancy writing down here what sort of teasing it was, but it's the kind of name that when people call you that even once, it just cut you down to the deepest. and i was called and shouted at by that name 6-7 times a day. everyday.

it's the kind of thing that ruined my primary school memories, somehow.

and that sorta teasing really, and i mean really dragged down and had no mercy on my self-confidence for the next few years. even until now in fact. whenever i think about it, or i saw something around me that remind me of that teasing, it just broke me, and i cudnt be functionl anymore and all i felt was just to turn back time and strangle the necks of those who easily and uneducatedly judged me.

some people had no idea, but childhood teasing and childhood labelling does have an effect on your well being, and it haunts you for a very very very long time.

it got so sick that, sometimes i was purely motivated to achieve something, just to prove to "mr-i-dont-know-who-and-i-dont-care-anymore-and-not-around-me-anymore" that i could do it.

can you imagine that, even 7-8 years down the road, i still strive and strike and kick my ass off just to prove to someone who thank God, is not around me anymore that i'm not what he thought i was, and i'm not as worthless as he thought i should had been.

yes i know those few damned people are no longer within my circle life, but the effect of their labelling was just so hard and so severe, that i am constantly doing things so that i can feel comfortable again being myself and try to forget all about it.

and there were countless of times when i just want to turn the clock back and be a different muhammad, so they wont call me names, or just living a different childhood and you know, feel good about myself.

but after watching the movie, it just hit me. i knew how God's plan now works. and i knew, well, lets just say i learned to embrace a lot of different perspectives more.

but still, it took me quite a long time to regain back my self-esteem, and not afraid to go in front or raise hands in class, or make any new friends. if anyone were to ask me, "muhammad, what was your most treasured achievements so far?"...i would say..."regaining back my self confidence, and learning to accept myself the way i am". yes it was that.

luckily God has destined me to study in KYS. i'm pretty sure if i were to end up in somewhere else, i wouldnt be as brave as i am now, and i will still wonder what is so faulty about me and what is so wrong about me or what is so sucky about myself?

of course, thanks to God, and thanks to KYS. i am so moved by that, thank you.

like in the movie, maybe if i were to turn back time and live my childhood differently, maybe, maybe i wouldnt be the muhammad i am now.

i know i have flaws and still have plenty rooms for improvements.

if i were to have a different childhood, maybe i will be a judgmental asshole today. i know i am not so judgemental towards people. the reason? because i know how does it feel to be judged before people even know you, and to be critised because you are what they perceived as "wrong". i understand that too well in fact, and because of that, i have tried so hard to understand why certain people are like this or like that, and not make easy conclusions about them.

and maybe, with different childhood, i wouldnt be as ambitious as i am now. i want to do a lot of things today, yeah initially because i wanted to prove to the people from my childhood memories that i am not as useless as they thought i was. but still, those childhood memories had turned me into an ambitious person and always striving for improvements. if i were to think that "oh i am ok and people liked me anyway", maybe i wouldnt be as ambitious as i am today, and who knows, i would just eventually slack off with them. so, THANKS ARSEHOLES!

i am sensitive towards people feelings, personally, because i try not to make people sad. but make no mistake, i am NOT A DOORMAT. I WON'T LET YOU USE THE BIG DOOR ALONE, AND IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN WIPE YOUR FEET ON MY FACE ANYTIME YOU WISH, A DOORMAT. I AM NOT THAT. i choose to make people happy, and make myself happy also. it's both of us, who should enter that door. there's no doormat.

perhaps with a different childhood experience that i wanted so badly all these while, maybe i wouldnt be the considerate person i am today. why am i being considerate? in fact some friends said that i'm toooo considerate. it's because, i understand too well when people dont give a fuck about what you feel, and they call you sickening names in front of your mum, and they shouted you bad names during the school assembly, and they call you names in front of your science teacher. damn fuck those people. so as a result, i grew to be someone who tries not to hurt other's feelings, because, when you do, the scar in their inside is deep, destructive and they will remember you as the bad guy. trust me on that.

and maybe with a different childhood, i wouldnt be as fluent as i am today. i decided to learn to speak bravely and convincingly, because i once told myself that whenever people belittled me, i want to stand up for myself. yeah now people dont exactly belittled me, but still, i can speak well and not stutter in front of others and look dumb on the stage. so once again, thanks arseholes!

and there's so many more. so many traits of muhammad today, is the result of the events that occured in the past. and my chilhood teasing is just one significant example.

so now, i will stop myself from having all these wishful thinking about wanting a different childhood, or other stuff. i'm just grateful of the way things turned out and dot...nothing more.

and also, my friend said a matured people forgives others. i hope i wont be so angry anymore and i will find it somewhere inside to forgive people. of course i have to, i made mistakes too.

thank you.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

How To Kill Time at 1am.

i just knew that i promised myself to complete three huge tasks tonite. but i seem not to be moved by it.

overslept gives me extra few pounds, and of course, it gives me the opportunity where i deliberately let way of myself to hope to live like the royals. no job needed, but constant growth on the account. how lucky.

anyway, i watched a tv serie just now. one of the thing i like about tv series is that, if it is well produced and the pre-investigation is well taken after, the series will just clicked with us, and we sorta relate ourselves to them.

and i like relating myself to other elements. it makes me feel that, you know, i'm not exactly castaway-ed in most aspects.

but this time it's about how most people are always "torn" between making two choices, and we keep on saying boloneys like "it's not easy for me" or "things shudnt happen this way" or "decisions are hard" and stuff like that. ops. terasa la plak. yeah i sometimes do that. not sometimes, most of the times. and dont lie, you too. all of us does that.

and then, with a slight twist of fate, we lost both options, and once again we are left mortified.
let me tell you something. in making decisions or deciding options, letting go of one, and going for the other choice is hard, but that's reality. people everywhere does that. but giving up and letting go of both is well, weak and irrelevant. and of course, trying to get hold of all is like consuming all types of food at one time. initially u think u're enjoying urselves, but u end up choking. so that's no angel.

i guess i just have nothing better to do now.

eventually i grew so tired of reminiscing the past, and living in the moment. i learned to let down my expectations and just keep it casual. but after a while, u get tired and it just blows of. sometimes we're just not strong enough. thats why i like to daydream and watching tv series, or just go jogging.

it requires less effort. and u end up smiling, by good luck.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

20 Good Reasons






freedom!