Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I certainly hope you will care much when I saw that I finally have my braces on. I totally hear you when you say at the top of your head that I don't need it. It's true, apart from the slight, but obvious, 'twitch' that I have on two of my front teeth of the lower gum, the rest of my teeth are actually okay, they're aligned and if it isn't of their yellowish shade, I sure am damn proud of my sets of teeth.

But it's the 'twitch' that makes me unsettled about the whole business, especially on how powerful it is in transforming my smile into an immediate frown every time I flashed my smile in front of a mirror. And sure enough, I decided to do something about it and hence, the braces.

I must say it feels very uncomfortable and it isn't as glamorous as we thought it'd be back in school upon seeing our other classmates having it on. I haven't had any proper enjoyment of meals for the past 4 to 5 days, and every strand of my meal seemed to have manage to leave something to dangle between those brackets and wires in my mouth.

I wouldn't expect myself to say this one day; but now that every ounce of food in my mouth had to be sent straight to the throat (and later resulted in indigestion) simply because I am not able to chop and slice them off with my teeth into smaller pieces, I really think one of the greatest pleasure of life is actually being able to properly bite, chew and actually taste the food you are consuming.

I had a 500-days plan journey to embark on, and the journey will start on the first day of the braces being put on inside my mouth ( I reckon all these brackets will be inside my mouth for 500 days, tops). This 500-days plan covers all 12 aspects within my life, and I have set gradual improvement stages throughout the 500 days as many milestones that will eventually lead to my goals around this 12 aspects.

In short, after 500 days, I will be an improved version of 'me'. This braces is sort of now acting like a sand watch for me as to always reconcile with the nature of these 500 days (apart from correcting my 'twitch'). After 500 days, off go the braces (in with the new perfect smile) and also all 12 goals are achieved, insya Allah.

And by that time too, I will get my transfer letter back to KL, insya Allah. AMIIIINNNN!

Thursday, December 02, 2010

even brighter than the moon...

I really have no clue on why many bloggers ended their posts with a footnote that tells the readers on what song they were listening to while they were conjuring up that particular post.

No, don't worry as I am not about to bitch-mouth these people, because I happen to be in a quite delighted mood now, thank you very much.

As a matter of fact, I am amused by such practice and I kinda think it's actually cool. It's cool because you can either let your readers interject an emotion while reading your posts, hence understanding them better. Or probably because it's a way to let people know what you truly feel inside, when all the 8 paragraphs prior to that have failed you. Or maybe it's cool because it's simply a subtle way of letting other blog-hoppers know that you are one of those lucky few who has an invariably preeminent and exemplary choice of songs (uuuuhh, look at me... I'm listening to songs so indie that no one has ever even heard of it... UUUUUHHHHH, I bet you wonder where I downloaded all these 'rare' songs uuuuhhhhh...).

Anyway, as cool as it is to attach a footnote with the title of the song that blasted through you, I can never pull off such practice. I tried to, for once (as you can see in my posts within 2006/2007... aaah, amateur years), but I felt that it was pretentious and very unoriginal.

Primary reason being simply because I am not able to tune my ears into listening to other songs when a specific song has captured my attention. I am those unfortunate few who helplessly fall in love with a single song at any one point in my life and just do not know how to let loose and give it a break. (Other than that, I just can't listen to music while I'm trying to creative-write. They murder my ideas).

If I really were to adhere to such requirement, the footnote that says "I'm listening to Train's Hey Soul Sister" would be there for as long as 14 different posts for an entire 14 days. Or "I'm listening to Katy Perry's Fireworks" would be a default footnote for more than 20 posts straight. Or worse, "I'm listening to David Guetta's Club Can't Handle Me", for as long as 74 days! Or maybe 75.

Oh my God, I am pathetic.

By the way, I am embarking on my 500-days plan. It's a plan that has been established as a route for me to be come the new and better and improved 'me'. This, is something that I will have to explain on my next post because as of now I am just too tired and all I wanna do is crawl under my blanket. Well, not literally since I don't blanket myself while I'm asleep.

I love my Mum. Sometimes, I don't know what I'd do without her. One day, she will ask me. And when she does, I will tell.

Good night people, I'm off to a shower and bed. But before that, a dose of cigarette and Guetta's Club Can't Handle Me seems justifiable.

(Oh my God, I really AM pathetic).

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

hello sarah... ?

I have very few things to say today, but they're not important.

(Can you actually like a girl you haven't met by just reading her blog? Ermmm, oh yes... you can. I did. I hope I finally bump into Sarah tomorrow. At the gym. Or at Fajaria. Or at the local supermarket. Anywhere will do).

Monday, November 29, 2010


I'm not feeling very creative now, hence I titled my post in accordance to the song that I listened to like there's no other music in this world (at the moment); Fireworks by Katy Perry. I'll just be honest here; I am actually a pop fan (a friend one said that I am a 'Pop Guy'... whatever he means, I don't want to know) and I think that the genre pop this year should be more like Katy. She brings life to her music, her performances are always energetic and mainstream, and her beats blend well with people of all sorts of backgrounds (even of those who don't speak English and can't understand a thing on what she sings about).

I landed in Miri about 2 hours ago, after spending a 2-days weekend getaway at KK with Hilmi and Jiha. The trip was good, we managed to visit the places that I did not visit the last time I was in KK and of course, i was accompanied by sweat on every part of my sticky body on the day we had the city tour.

In short; an observant traveller must think that KK tries to hard to be on the upbeat (and at times I think so too), but I think I will cut KK some slacks because needless to say, the leaps it had was all in the name of tourism. I love the tourism industry and only because of that, I will give KK a pat on the back.

I blog-hopped few minutes ago and came across an interesting blog (actually the blog is more of a 'descriptive photo blog'... I think that's really smart). Anyway, I came across a photo of Queenstown in the blog and suddenly a gush of old memories streamed down my mind on how I was once helplessly in love with Queenstown. I can't describe it all here, as that would take another 3 hours of writings... but i am glad i came across it and managed to dig out a deserted corner of my mind that once hold many very fond memories (oh by the way, I did my bungee jumping and skydive in Queenstown too).

I miss Sydney. I really don't know how I have managed to live happy for almost 2 years without her now. I guess time does heal all pain. Did you know that I was extremely sad and broken in the inside beyond words could ever explained on the day I left Sydney for good? It felt like a break up. As if I just ended a really meaningful and irreplaceable relationship with something virtually alive. It really did. Oh well...

Good night!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

like i'm the only one?

"Muhammad! You're always late!" - those 4 words spoken by a friend were probably the most piercing reality check I've had this year. And it cuts deep. Of course, my stupefied face knocked some guilt into him and then he spent the next 15 seconds explaining to me on how the whole statement was supposed to be a joke, JUST a joke.

but i know that ain't any joke. it's true, i AM always late. i am NEVER early (of course), but the sickening part is that I am always NEVER punctual even! if you don't suffer any crisis in time management, you'll probably yawn at this very paragraph, but only late-comers understand on how desperately they don't want to be the... well, 'late-comers'. ('late-cummers' are undeniably a really good thing, but that's another story).

if i am supposed to be somewhere by 8pm, i should actually put aside a certain amount of time prior to that, sufficient enough for me to get dressed or have a shower, and lock the house and to have some safe moderate-speed driving to my destination.

but i am always trying to squeeze in other things. i'll still go to the gym at 6pm for one hour, and then reach home exhausted and have a mini break for about 20 minutes, and then surf the net for a while and then puff a bit (just to get energized, really... how lame am i?)... doing so many other things thinking that i'll still be able to catch that 8pm agenda. but once all those 'errands' are over, the clock cruelly shows me of the remaining 15 minutes left before 8, and BAM!, i arrived at where i was supposed to be 30 minutes later. again, i was the 'late-comer'. it sucks, and the suckier part is, i never seem to learn from my lesson. this keeps happening and happening and it's driving me nuts.

on an unrelated note, i hate to work in the office with people who likes to 'act important'. seriously, get a life (and colour your white hair, you're only 25! for that matter).

Thursday, November 18, 2010

take it off

Miri generally has two things in excess; rainbows and stray dogs. it's true, i have probably seen more rainbows and stray dogs in Miri than I had in anywhere else I've lived. i like one of them and hate the other. guess which is which?

i'm thinking you're guessing that i like the rainbows and hate those stray dogs (and why wouldn't you, since we're all trapped in the Gen-Y feverish and ambitious demand of thinking that we do have a lot to smile about in this world... ok please ignore me as i'm not making any much sense here)... and that guess is WRONG.

i like the stray dogs and i hate the rainbows. again, i'm guessing that you don't want to know why, but i'll explain anyway. stray dogs make me feel that i indeed, have a lot to be thankful for. when i see them, i instantly thank Allah for my home, my clothes, the food that i've had and of course, for the fact that i am not wondering and straying around aimlessly.

rainbows on the other hand are pretentious. it's almost as if they start from one end and swooped like a superman to another far end of the sky, telling everyone beneath that life's a beauty, all worldly conflicts can be resolved if you understand love and always put your neighbour first (even when you're living on minimal needs and they're the one gloatingly driving a 7-series around town). rainbows are pretentious, they're the source of all the ridiculously happy myths that all kids craved for and they're not that all very pretty.

anyway, i can't help but noticed that my younger sister is now happily 'married' to a guy called Naim Zolk (she's happily married in facebook, of course). true enough, i don't know him, although he did friend requested me in facebook and i haven't had the time to approve yet (although i do spend an averagely 2 full hours on facebook per day), but he slashed me as to be the kind of guy that i wouldn't like should we happen to be the same age. and please tell me you understand what i have just said.

since now i'm always traveling back and forth between KL and Miri, i can confidently said that i have grew accustomed to how all these checking in procedures work. i don't usually 'rush' to the airport anymore (unlike my father, who'd prefer to be at the airport 3 days before the flight departure time, just because we need to be 'on the safe side'). usually checking in 20 minutes before departure work for me, provided that i pretended to be on an intensely panting mode and behaved as if my lungs are about to fail me (from the effect of running like a crazy person) and of course, a handy excuse will always do you a favour.

"Sorry, my tyre gave me problem... of all the days it could, unfortunately today was chosen "
"Sorry, I had the worse diarrhea today... I don't usually check in this late, sorry Miss!"
"Sorry, I mis-read the ticket... i accidentally read a 1745 departure time as 7.45 pm!"

the third one's a genius, and will always work for you.

in conclusion, i have to check in on time, i can't stop my younger sister from growing up, and i actually prefer the rainbows to stray dogs. good night!

Friday, November 05, 2010

i want to sing like david cook

a thought stroked my absent mind on how i've been blogging less and less these days. and this is not good, considering i have once decided to be a smooth writer all through the remaining years i have in life. less blogging means i am now practicing less to write, which means the day will soon arrive when i will find it hard to translate my inner world into writings. and that is also, NOT GOOD.

and one more thing, i realized that my recent posts had not been those of 'happy ones', and i hate to leave my readers thinking that life has been cruel to me, and i was, and still at the brink of falling apart.

yes, i have my ups and downs, but the truth is i am generally happy now, and alhamdulillah, i thank Allah for that.

i used up all my remaining annual leave and flew to europe in october, to be with my family for my sister's graduation. i was sort of trying to travel on a tight budget, but it's always a good thing when you go somewhere with your parents because their wallets became partially yours and on top of that you still have your wallet solely for you; for the purpose of spending money purchasing things that will further clutter your room, gather more dusts and stuff that you 'don't quite need'. and trust me, i journeyed my life attempting to be excellent in that area :)

anyways, i visited london, stockholm and paris. in short, london strikes me as to be a very successful city, stockholm is probably the most liberal capital in the world and paris is downright beautiful and i envied those people who gave their other halves the kiss of love at the top of eiffel tower (yes, that tower).

london is definitely a megalopolis of people, ideas and energy; it is truly multicultural and i secretly prayed to Allah all the time while I was there to be given the chance to live in that vibrant city. i just knew i had to live there, as being alive for 70-80 years and not spending a few good years in london will make me feel as if i haven't experienced enough (and that's why i envied my sister). london is noisy, full of bustling easily recognized taxis and red buses, every corner of the city seems to have a picture-postcard shot and every countries in the world seemed to have make a mark there. i believe that every 'city person' yearns to be somewhere that resembles london. this is not an overstatement, as i once heard somewhere that 'those who are tired of london, are actually tired of... life'. sigh.

stockholm is calm, serenely beautiful and is inhabited by truckloads of well-educated and open-minded citizens. like london, the city can be quite dirty towards the later parts of the day, but by early morning, all dirts and rubbishes has been taken care of, and stockholm is then again awakened as the capital of the scandinavians. unlike londoners, sydney-siders, parisians and new yorkers, stockholmers don't quite make a bragging point to the world on how proud they are of their capital, although i can feel that deep inside them they would rather be there than anywhere else. and why shouldn't they? gamla stan and djurgaden are probably two of the most beautiful and worth visiting places in the world. and particularly tonight, i miss stockholm. thank you Allah for giving me the chance to experience what stockholm has to offer.

the third city i visited was paris. and instantly i understood on why they called it the 'city of lights', and i felt a churn in my stomach for finally setting foot in the capital that attracts the highest number of visitors in the world (45 million tourists awed themselves first hand in paris, last year alone). i don't think paris is quite as successful as london, but the rivalry is there, and it's definitely a race worth noting. buildings are all well preserved, la defence (the new and modern paris) reflected itself very well against the backdrop of old paris (where eiffel, arc de triomphe and the louvre are located at). parisians are proud of their city and i can tell that they enjoy the spotlight the world freely bestow them with. for a split second i thought that i should live in paris too, and absorb all the beauty of its people and their artistic sense (and of course, to smoothen my french). but by that time i sorta knew that i have been asking probably a bit too much from Allah, hehehe.

i love all three cities, but probably i prefer paris a tiny bit more than the other two. remember that, just a tiny bit more.

my list of european cities i wish to visit next? well, i'd be lying if i said i don't want to visit them all, but for the sake of goal-setting, i will list down 10 okay? and they are; Oslo, Munich, Rome, Madrid, Barcelona, Amsterdam, Venice, Budapest, Lisbon and Athens. (phew, that took quite some time to choose).

and don't worry Sydney, i still love you. you are so far, the biggest love of my life and i don't know what i'd do without you. i'm just having an after-party flings with all these european cities, but at the end of the day, i'd still choose to marry you. :) :) :) (and i just gave you three smiles).

Friday, October 22, 2010

the city of red buses!

bye bye London, hello Stockholm!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Nova Scotia sounds classy, no?

Warning: This will be a very anger-stricken and emotionally driven post. At least that's how I feel this post will translate to.

1. If you dislike angry, sad and somewhat whiny post, then this post is not for you to read and it would be good if you can hop on to another page at this instant.
2. If you feel that you don't have what it takes to not judge, or ridicule or then look at me as being nothing more than an immature and whiny overaged baby after reading this post, then this post is not for you too.

Lately, I have been saying my thank you to Allah less often, and all I do is complain and find faults within other people. Maybe not just other people, but I find faults with absolutely everything my currently deflated mind can think of. And I do mean everything.

I seem to have successfully reserve a large bank of hatred towards everything as well, and it's driving me nuts. I don't know why suddenly I hate all of the world and its contents, but these days (more than ever) all I can think of is how rude people are, how narrow their minds are, how they don't know what they're saying, and how horrendously ugly something appeared to be, how boringly dead of a place my hometown is, how annoying the traffic is etc etc etc. trust me, the list wont stop.

And I'm starting to think that maybe, maybe I am not happy. I really am the kind of person who doesn't waste my waking hours 'searching for happiness', as I prefer to let myself just pass by the moment and remember what I want and ditch what I don't. To me, trying to measure your level is happiness is absurd, too philanthropic and is best reserved for someone who looks at themselves as artistes. I mean, 'artistes'. All these while, I believe the happiest of all people are those who just don't meddle too much in the 'searching for happiness' agenda, and they're happy without they realizing it. And that's exactly why all kids are generally happy.

But lately, I am starting to reflect a bit too much, and I have learned on how to look at myself from external point of views, and that is one damned skill that I swear I never should have acquired... because it does nothing and only lets me know how actually miserable, complicated, uneventful, plain and unoriginal my life is. And I got tangled up even worse in my quest trying to brush off all this thoughts.

Maybe it's the stress of work, I don't know. In fact, I don't think so because my nature of work is not that of a stress one, honestly... this is where this post ends because I am just not in the mood to continue writing.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Malaysia Day

I still firmly believe that to materialize further the spirit of 1Malaysia, our country's birthday should be finalized as to be either 31st August 1957 (National Day) OR 16th September 1963 (Malaysia Day). It's going to be a whole let more unified, a whole lot more consistent and less time consumed with all the debates being kicked around, if we also can collectively agree on the age of our country Malaysia, are we 53? Or are we 47 years old?

I am also strongly inclined towards the sudden burst of explanations that side on 16th September 1963. If my citizenly opinion is counted (and one day I will demand it to be after I cast my vote and finally paying 'real' tax), Malaysia Day/National Day is on 16th September of every year. National Day, the term some people still blatantly refuse to let go, will not be truly reflective if we consider it to be on 31st August of every year. Better still, we should only use either Malaysia Day OR National Day, as two names residing on two different dates is another confusion that we just do not need.

31st August of course, will never be forgotten, and I am not suggesting any diminishing effect on its importance. It still is a day that brought people all over the Tanah Melayu together to take a patriotic walk down memory lane and delve into deep pensive on how our forefathers struggled and bled themselves dry to gain Independence.

Sabah and Sarawak gained their Independence on 31st August 1961, and this fact is unknown to so many Malaysians, and it doesn't cross the mind of the people in peninsular that this might offend the Sabahans and the Sarawakians. This also means that deeming Malaysia as a 53 year old independent country is also technically incorrect, as Sabah and Sarawak are two years younger.

Although eventually 31st August of both 1957 and 1963 were the Independence dates, but 31st August as a date does not sufficiently reflect the true spirit of 1Malaysia.

1Malaysia should be remembered based on the date when more than 60 ethnics at that time have decided to look past religion differences, skin colours, cultural practices, socio-economical backgrounds etc, and to unite under the name of Malaysia, hoping for collective betterment for everyone. And that decision was made official on 16th September 1963. And that also means Malaysia is 47 years old (and 53 years old is only indicative to Peninsular Malaysia/Tanah Melayu).

Just to let you know my 2cents. Cheers :)

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Eid Fitr

Tomorrow will be our last day fasting in Ramadhan, insya Allah. Hence in the spirit of welcoming the joyous month of Syawal, and in all triumphant tone that I could offer to Muslims who succeeded in keeping their morale high throughout Ramadhan; overcoming temptations and allocating more time to retire to a state of mind in remembrance of Allah more, I would like to wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Here's to your victorious month of Ramadhan (I don't count myself as having a victorious Ramadhan, but to the rest anyways), here's to spending more time with your loved ones and here's to rekindling the fading or withering relationships with families and friends, and of course, here's to the spirit of Raya.

More importantly, I would like to sincerely apologize everyone (that may be reading this) should I have wronged you in ways more than one. It was never my intention to hurt you, and I do hope you can forgive me as I have you.

I am not perfect; I realize that sometimes I can be a bit too rude, or too candid. Or sometimes my mouth uttered words that I wish it hadn't. Or sometimes my actions may have caused pain to you in obvious ways. or ways that human can't quite explain. Or sometimes I didn't deliver as what I have promised. For all that, I am truly sorry. Your forgiveness is what I seek, and they're what I direly need.

Have a blessed Eid again everyone, and do take care of yourselves.

Monday, September 06, 2010


mocking them and thinking you're better is pathetic enough.

and not getting your texts replied by the girl whom you thought you've snatched from a friend is even more pathetic, beyond any description.

hanky panky in clubs is so 21. you're better than that. i won't give any uptake on morals (since I lacked in them, too), but you have got to have some class.

typos are annoying. it's actually a surface indication on just how really messed up your life and mind are.

i think everyone in their working ages sure does agree that paying off credit cards' debts is a highly prioritized goal. an even higher goal would be to be debt-free.

she abandoned me right after i cut my hair short. i can tell that.

and please don't announce every damned thing about your life on facebook statuses.

btw, i'm following katy lim li lian's facebook now.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Dirty Picture

I'm back in my bedroom in Miri now, after leaving for Seremban a few days ago. It's becoming a monthly routine already, to fly out of Miri on Friday evening, and then back here via the last flight on Sunday and then letting insomniac taking charge of myself, leaving me dysfunctional and melancholic for the working Monday that soon beckons. And they're all because of the idea-sucking two hours flight.

It's just all so dramatic, considering I didn't cross any time zones, and there wasn't any jet lag involved.

The good news is however, is that I came back to Miri with my Country Road tote bag filled up with new stuff, of which they were all carefully folded and laid as to avoid any crease of new clothings or deformation of any semi solid items. My family had been generous enough to purchase me many quality goods while they were in the Europe, and all of them has a place in my life; I can now don fabrics that I am not yet sick of for future casual outings, and some fine items to be displayed at strategic corners of my future home(s).

Another good news is that I've successfully sorted out some of my old items (the previous post was partially written on how hard it is for me to say farewell to my old possessions, but I pulled through this round), and placed them all in many boxes to be given away. Clearing your stuff is sort of like clearing your mind. The less you hoard, the less space is consumed on your mind. Literally and figuratively.

Another yet good news is, Yamud is now back in Malaysia for good! (hip hip hooray!). Now my phone calls to him won't be as pocket-draining as before, we are now just literally a short flight away from each other. I reckon he will venture through the same outburst like I did when I first arrived here for good, and I hope his journey of acquainting himself with the country, especially KL will be a smooth one. And fast. Don't worry bro, I totally hear you. Yes, drivers don't hit the brakes to let the pedestrians cross the road here, and some oftenly-frequented roads are ridiculously filled with lopak air (like how Cambodia is blessed with the many landmines). But just think of all the nice array of foods that are available here at cheap prices, and how all of your life friends are also back in the country, and how we have over-zealously confident people entering Malaysian Idol (only to make a fool out of themselves), and the Sunday Pancaindera really does tell you on who is dating someone else's husband. Just don't include the public toilets in the mental passage bro, it will ruin everything else I've mentioned.

I've been using my Macbook Pro for almost a year now. And I still find new amazing stuff I can do with it. This is exactly why I've always believed in expensive gadgets. They're just too insanely packed of creative features and full of surprises (of course the first surprise onboard hit my wallet about 11 months ago, when I was bringing it out to pay for a lightweight item that costed me almost 2 months of my salary).

Don't you ever, I mean, EVER, try to separate me from my Macbook Pro. We're meant for each other, and I have been congratulating myself every waking hours since the day I bought it. And my Macbook Pro has a name, I call her... (yes, you guessed right)... Sydney. A pretty name for a pretty creation.

By the way, I constantly find myself having taik mata on my eyes these past few days. At all times of the day. So weird. Or maybe I should stop overdosing myself with sleep?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Steel Magnolias

Tomorrow will be my final day having to go offshore within this few strings of weeks. At the risk of stating the obvious, tomorrow will also be the final day of my torturous and full of struggle 'mind over mattress' battle, and yet another horrendous 2 hours boat ride just so I can reach an offshore installation that is only 48 kms from shore. And if everything turns out right, tomorrow will also hold a glorious ending, insya Allah.

And on Friday I'll be giddy the whole day waiting for my evening flight back to Seremban to meet my mother and the younger siblings after more than a year of not meeting them. And Steel Magnolias is now the movie of which daily 30 minutes dose of it is critically needed to keep me sane. The lines are all hilarious and I never knew that there are ways to actually stay glamorous, sarcastic and witty and surrounded by friends when you have reached that post-menopause chapters in life.

I've always wanted to be really apt or skillful in photography. I actually browsed through the internet to read strangers' photography blogs and another dozens of strangers' facebook profiles for those precise and fresh moments that they successfully captured.

Once all this mounting workload from office is over, I planned to spend my last 10 days of Ramadhan spring cleaning my room. I swear every corners in this room seem to hold a decent amount of dust that I'm fairly worried that it might fly into my nasal passageways and choke me to death while I am asleep. And the room layout is dull and uninteresting and sometimes they just reminded me that the only thing worse in this world is the lame Senario daily sitcom (I was never a fan of such bollocks and seriously, how really bad were they?).

I'm set for yet another room with postcards all over and maps of places that I've gathered since yesteryears. And behold, I'm starting to identify all the stuff that I no longer need, and I shall toss them or donate them away. I just need to carefully justify all the emotional attachments I have towards them, before getting ready to part permanently with them.

It's good to be dry, or to have very little sense of attachments to your belongings. I for one, am guilty as charged when it comes to feeling difficult in saying goodbyes to my possessions. I am still a hoarder, but it was way out of control back then. I even collected my cigarettes packs and arrange them in a vertical structure in my bedroom 3 years ago, simply because I couldn't toss them away!

But there's no way you can keep up with such habit. As you grow older, you bring in more stuff into life, and you have to decide which is being replaced and bid farewell to them. I have reached this stage where I feel that it's always easy to travel through life light.

Be selective, and I mean really selective, in choosing which possessions stay, and the rest shall have to go. And once you have decided to dump them out of your life, just think that you are actually making space for newer stuff.

Similar to a phrase by a stranger in his blog "Once I dumped, I don't look back".

Monday, August 16, 2010

side by side.

It has been the sixth day of Ramadhan, and so far I've spent 3 of them successfully fasting at an offshore platform installation, alhamdulillah.

Of course it was no breezy, I had to succumb to an entire different level of unusual dehydration (the first day was the worst since I missed sahur and didn't manage to gulp the 1 liter of mineral water like always) but I passed. Alhamdulillah. Tomorrow I will be in the office for a meeting that will suck probably 5-6 hours of my precious working hours, and then I will be back to the offshore platform for another 5 days of fasting. I pray to Allah for yet another 5 days of coping strategy and I must tell you that everytime nearing Maghrib, I had my eyes fixed to the skyline, anxious and impatient (but a controllable kind of impatience) to see sun disappears so that I could just immediately drain my throat with a drink that has never tasted so refreshing and rejuvenating and sweet like any other before.

It wasn't the hunger that made me look at my watch constantly, hoping for another hour to pass by. But it was the scorching sun and the immense thirst and the physical demands of walking here and there chasing people in the middle of an environmentally-damaging offshore platforms that really made me think twice of whether I should continue fasting for the day or not.

By the way, the clock moves twice slower when you are offshore. It really does.

I've spent the last two Ramadhans not fasting to the required number of days by a reasonably huge margin. So having decided to fast full time for a whole month this year surely seems like a huge leap and an unparalleled tough challenge. But you know what made me carry on? The satiated feeling at every iftar (wherever it may be at; offshore or onshore) after successfully ignoring temptations and whatnot. And also, I've ben seeing many men in their late 40s who still don't fast, and there is no way in the world that I would ever want to be like that. Hence I decided to start acquainting myself with the routine of Ramadhan this year, so that it won't seem like a total struggle anymore in future years, insya Allah.

On a lighter note, I received yet another postcard from my friends who have been traveling around Sydney! Muchas gracias to Alia, Idzani, Yamud and Anwar. And yes Alia, I am quite aware that this has been the third postcard you mailed me within the past 2 months, and insya Allah I'll return the favour soon.

I don't know why, but there is this one thing about my Sydney friends and I. We can not have enough of postcards, we collect them and paste them on walls, we definitely love receiving them, and we love sending them out. Especially while traveling. I love receiving postcards so much that I even sent them out to myself a couple of times before while I was on the road. And I pretended to be surprised whenever I received them in the mailbox after reaching home, reading them will full enthusiasm as if I had no idea what the travelled place was all about.

I am pretentious, so much so and very dangerously that I even have no problem pretending to my ownself. haha!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Welcoming Ramadhan

The Azan for Maghrib prayers about 4.5 hours ago calls for all of us Muslims out there on the beginning of yet, another Ramadhan.

For the past few days I've stumbled across many uproars wrapped in excitement and contentment; through flying emails, facebook statuses and joyful words of mouth on how people are giving their all out on embracing the arrival of this holy month. It's a month where all your good deeds, even the simplest ones, will be doubly and triply rewarded, and all the devils are chained hence leaving only behind human's lusts and temptations as our sole enemy, and how Allah generously open up all doors on forgiveness for those who repent.

I can understand then, all those maddening uproars. It's simple; instead of receiving 5% interest for every dollar you cash in, Ramadhan is the month where the interest goes rocketing high up for every dollar deposited. In case you're not following, I was laying down an analogy from a simple fiscal point of view.

On the contrary, and trust me, I feel bad for writing this down... I am scared inside, and I can feel the anxiety rampaging every corner of my mind at the thought of Ramadhan looming nearer and nearer. Why?

This one is also simple. Because I'm weak. I am so caught up by the thought of feeling thirsty at 12 noon (with another 6 hours to go before break fast), at the thought of having to be at offshore for 13 fasting days, with all the platform shutdown work, on how I can't concentrate my mind to not smoke, and how unenthusiastic I will be generally (just because I need to preserve my energy level), waking up for sahur etc etc etc. I am impatient and dandy and short-sighted and lack self-control. To sum it all up, I am just weak.

However, I pray to Allah so that He will bless me with enough courage and strength and motivation to continue with this holy fasting practice. I hope I won't miss a single fasting day. I also hope that I am able to finally be wise and take a 180 degrees turn in my tainted view; Ramadhan is not actually a month where you are deprived or are told to be thirsty and are encouraged to live with a half-empty willpower.

It is a month of character-building. Whenever I feel the urge to drink and smoke (in hidden spaces), I will remind myself of all the grace and rezeki Allah has showered me with. I will remind myself on the reward from Allah if I hold on to just another few hours. I will by the hour, and practice patience. Insya Allah.

I wish all of you a happy and blessed Ramadhan :)

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Guys, Girls and Erna!

Brunei, here we come!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

all that stuff and more

Seriously, why don't you just disappear?

1. Your ex and you: my ex is non-existent.
2. I am listening to: 1979 of Smashing Pumpkin. Am I just outdated or what?
3. Maybe I should: start taking shower and call it a day already?
4. I love: daydreaming.
5. My best friends: are not here in Miri.
6. I don’t understand: why there are so many types of bearings?
7. I lost my respect for: people who doesn't walk their talk.
8. I last ate: maggi goreng.
9. The meaning of my display name is: the praised one.
10. Someday: i'll live in London. and be happy.
11. I will always be: indecisive.
12. Love seems: not very important, for now.
13. I never ever want to lose: my family and my enthusiasm.
14. My myspace is: abandoned.
15. I get annoyed when: people are so full of themselves.
16. Parties: something i occasionally look forward to.
17. Kisses: tells how a person feels about another person.
18. Today I: will plan for a better tomorrow.
19. I wish: for a job that I can't wait to leave my bed for. but i'm grateful with my job now, alhamdulillah :)

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

i need another story lah...

Today and yesterday has been good. Nothing fun/funny/sexy happened actually (notice I said 'good', and not 'great'), but everything has been good.

I've been attending my skill group training on Rotating Equipments, I finally bought an alarm clock that could possibly wake the whole town up with its imploding ringing for the sole purpose of waking me up (my ear is deafening, thank you very much), I have figured out my financial planning for the next few months (and of course thanks to the law of the universe, I somehow managed to squeeze in the new shades from Hugo and Rayban and a pair of wicked new sneakers for my next traveling) and a new contract I'm initiating at work has finally reached its final stage of cost estimation before bidding begins.

Everything has been good, alhamdulillah.

Oh, except for the fact that I, again, had to encounter possibly the 6th or 7th people within the past 7 days who doesn't have the slightest sense of gratitude and they simply do not know how to say' thank you' after being assisted with some stuff in life.

Which brings me to my next issue (but don't worry, I still think that generally the past 48 hours has been good).

If you're over 25 (and these people definitely are over 25, judging from the fairly visible thin lines on their arrogant faces), it's time for you to join the rest of us in the world and learn how to say 'thank you'. I hate to remind you this, but you are not more privileged than any of us, and this world doesn't revolve around you.

Seriously, if you really don't know when to be grateful, please put aside some 50 - 60 dollars for your miserable self and purchase a book on etiquette. The thicker, and older and more hidebound the book... the better. Failure to be grateful implies that you just don't have the littlest care and this will have bad implications on your reputations.

Please put aside your ego and understand the fact that sometimes people do go out of their way to help you. Their helpful actions are sometimes time-consuming, energy-draining and often cause them some sort of an uneasiness to a certain extend.

There's no harm with living side by side with manners. If you still think that good manners, thoughtfulness and courtesy oppress you in some ways, or is inappropriate and unnecessary (just like some 16 years old think), then from the bottom of my heart, I have 4 words for you... Grow the hell up!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

August Rush

How is it that it's August already?

I've been in my room for the entire day so far (albeit it has just entered the 13th hour of the day). I can't wait to get out of here and start looking for a cheap shoe repair shop. But Mr. Plumber seems to have everything falling apart on his way to my abode, hence I try to make the wait worth while by making the best of what I can with an apple and two tomatoes. Well, I try not to mention the 3 or 4 cigarettes that I have consumed while I'm munching on those fruits. It's just so ironic, it's like I'm trying to supply enough minerals and vitamins to my skin but at the same time I'm poisoning it again with carcinogens and rampaging its elasticity with every damned puff. But then again, it's not quite life if you don't counter any positive energy with an equal, if not more, negative ones, right?

I will quit smoking one day. Motherfucker.

Anyway, as boring as today might turn out to be, I sort of have everything planned out. I aspired to wake up at 10-11am every Sunday morning (check!). Then i can't wait for Mr. Plumber to fix that leaking drain beneath my personal bathroom (should I have RM3k now, I so would spend every penny of it for the said bathroom's renovation), and then I plan to drag my feet all around Miri Town to actually find a decent shoe repair place. I somehow pity the guy who will soon stitch up the back sole of my gym shoes; it's filthy and smelly and looks like I've been intentionally bathing it in an endless mud stream on every alternate days.

And please remind me to give my sister a call tonight. I need to carefully lay out some instructions for her as I am about to purchase a 100 pounds worth of photography equipment. Dear God, please give me the time to come back home so I can actually see her during her short trip back to Malaysia.

It feels weird sometimes. My brother used to be the only one who stayed in Malaysia, and all of us in the family would be sending bulk emails to him, letting him know of all our trips back to Malaysia. And now, that I am back in the country, it now turns out that I am the 'local' guy and all emails concerning everybody's trip back home is now addressed to me. Except that I'm not exactly 'local', I'm stashed here in Miri so i cant quite exactly clean the house or sweep the porch in my anticipation to ensure that the family house is clean for their arrival.

By the way, my brother left Middle East for good, and he is also now another 'local' guy in the family. to Abdullah, welcome home. I hope you'll be much happier here.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


The fastest way to recovery starts with the dare to admit.

You have to admit that you have not been spending wisely. You have to admit that you have not been delivering. You have to admit that you have been fair to everyone. You have to admit that you have been distancing yourself from your family. You have to admit that you are hurt.

OMGITRHIFTBL? (Please help me to crack this code).

I need to stop planning and just start living. A second of it even... feels so much better. Imagine everyday course to be exactly just like that. Life is actually a bliss you know.

Monday, July 19, 2010

As much as you don't want to see they leave, there are other people who can't wait for their arrival - on the other side of the map. Not that you need my approval, but as of now I am willing to let you go. Because I don't want to be selfish.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

20 Random Things About Me

Just because I am in the mood to be a bit self-absorbed, and also because I like to pretend that other people are dying to know more about me ;)

1. I have trouble waking up in the morning. I always miss my Subuh prayers and I come to office about 30minutes - 1 hour late (95% of the time). But I really hope to change on this.

2. Unlike many other males, I don't really follow soccer/football. This is one thing that I wish I can change about myself and I tried. But at the end of the day, I just couldn't be bothered.

3. I love traveling. One of my dream is to be able to take an unpaid leave for 365days and use up the entire year traveling the world. On a minimum budget.

4. I share my knowledge and I love doing so. In fact, I couldn't stand people who are kedekut ilmu.

5. I am not very attached to people. I am only truly attached to my nucleus family and my one best friend for the past 12 years.

6. I am a good conversationalist. In fact, I don't understand some people who doesn't know how to spark/create conversations.

7. I truly believe in the inner beauty of a person. This may seem like a lie to all of my friends as I didn't project myself and my behaviours parallel to what I just said, but it's true. To me, beauty is skin deep.

8. I enjoy writing and reading since I was young. I tend to do these 2 effortlessly.

9. I have had long-term major crush on 6 girls altogether in my entire life so far. But I only truly loved one of them.

10. I day dream a lot, especially while driving. I can't quite call it a day if I haven't daydream yet.

11. I always feel that I can do more. This is the major cause of my rocketing stress level these days.

12. Although I am no longer able to play the clarinet and can only play around 5-6 songs on the guitar, I am actually very inclined to music. I hear melody almost wherever I go to.

13. People have always said that I am self-absorbed. But the truth is, I actually put other people's needs ahead of mine most of the times. And I try hard not to hurt their feelings.

14. I care about the environment to a certain high extend.

15. I love languages. In fact I am trying to be able to speak and write and listen well in French and Spanish.

16. I am not a stylish person. But I believe that the kind of clothes that I put on are the best/most suitable for me there is in the market.

17. I love dancing. But I don't dance well.

18. I am a sucker for quotes. I often find myself surfing the net to find inspiring quotes. They help me to move forward.

19. Whenever I am stress, I drive.

20. I prefer to be known from a distance. I feel that the closer someone is to me, the higher the risk of them not liking me due to my many flaws.

Monday, July 12, 2010

such great heights, aren't they?

Have I told you that I can spend literally hours and hours on the web to just surf some random strangers' blog? I'd be glued to their writings for days in fact, leaving a bookmark on my browser (temporarily of course) and reading all their entries with great interest.

And after a while I'd have learned that, for example, she owns a law firm and her bestfriends are called Tia and Mush and she splurges her money at Delicious for an expensive lunch thrice weekly and her favourite nephew is the two-year old Iqmal and she still lives with her parents and she always wear baju batik for hari raya and stuff.

Then, after feeling that I've known her well enough, I'll hop on to another blog that I find interesting and waste another gazillion hours there.

Had I used all those hours to actually read French... well, I could have watched Ma Vie En Rose without subtitles by now, I suppose.

Oh yes, Delicious really is a good dining place. I can imagine myself working in KL and having lunch there with my friends. Life feels so breezy.

Thank you Erna and Hilmi. I enjoy spending time with the two of you and hopefully we'll be good friends for a long time to come. Now Miri feels a bit like home to me, thank you.

Not that I care much, but I hope Spain wins the world cup final today. Viva El Espana! As one of my friend funnily puts it" no SPAIN no gain!"... (isn't that hilarious? hahaha!)

Friday, July 09, 2010

L is for the way you look at me!

i think you will know what i mean if i tell you that love is worth nothing until it's tested by its own defeat. i felt i was being asked to love without being afraid of the consequences. i realized that love, even if it ends in defeat, gives you a kind of honour. but without love, you have no honour at all.

Just posting back one of my favourite quotes of all time. (Jiwang nyee akuuu....)

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

You'll be in my heart

Dirah recommended me a song by Usher - You'll Be In My Heart (a remixed of the Tarzan OST). I couldn't get enough of it, hence the post's title.

I hate to say time flies, but it has been slightly more than a year that I have worked in Petronas and lived in Miri. I guess this is it now, my student life is truly over. Just over. I still have a hang of it of course, being one of the best times and highlights of my life, but life is not quite life if you don't fill it with good memories that don't last forever. It teaches you to be tough, and makes you embrace the beauty of moving on and letting go.

I am curious of what is next for me, I pray to Allah for the best. I am scared of being average, to tell you the truth.

But who doesn't, right?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I want to watch ATB's concert!

I wouldn't have thought that I would one day say this; but I really find it to be an utmost and true struggle to keep a friendly and nice face whenever I'm talking to someone whom I can't stand at work.

I think what actually strained the relationship is due to unclear expectations that we have of each other. To one person I am just an overly lazy complacent bastard, and to me they're just slightly below that par that earns them the label "melancholic perfectionist".

And now I can slightly comprehend why people don't build personal relationships too much with their workmates in the office. Sometimes, talking numbers and meetings and datelines for an entire 30 years of working is just much safer and more convenient than actually taking off your guards and step into someone else's personal territory... Or worse, let them into yours.

But I'm kinda okay with that, I prefer to be known from a distance after all. It's just less hazardous.

I'm getting a new car in a few months time, and with a more reliable one, I'd be able to travel and have more road trips around Sarawak during any long weekends. The thought of doing that soothes me, as if a warm comforting fluid is harmonizing my entire body. It's like I am back to be acquainted with the old 'me'.

And I think that my writing skill is ridiculously deteriorating. And it scares the hell out of me. Seriously, what is a human, if one doesn't or can't write?

(No offense with the previous statement). You know deep inside I love you.

A few more weeks before someone leaves me (temporarily maybe, or for permanent). But that's alright, I've been through this before... What's another one, right?

(don't blame my sentimental ego, blame the rain outside).

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


i have been wondering what my alter-ego is like.

would it be someone who enjoys the colour red and sipping good drink while buried in contemporary pop melody, and wears skinny jeans for self-esteem enhancement and views traveling as a void-filler?

and someone who doesn't realize that they're happy, and at the same time has trouble getting up early and they were made complete with a poor hands-eye coordination?

oh, wait... that's me.

i want to be more career-oriented. i want to own a brand new car. i want a duplex before i turn 30. i want financial freedom before i turn 30, too. i want to be excellent in squash. and volleyball. i want to dance and sing well. i want to do a south east asia on a shoestring when i'm 26. and i don't need an alter-ego.

and yes, i am commitment-phobic (sorry ter-perasan macam orang putih pulak).

Monday, April 05, 2010

it's byron bay. not an ashtray

ok usually non-smokers are more 'allowed' to point out the certain do(s) and don't(s) to us, fellow smokers. but that's unfair. why is it that it is generally unacceptable for smokers to take up the noble position once in a while and do the same?

yes i know, i too, for instance violate my lungs.  i also, painfully attack my bodily cells, and your esophagus and those nasal passages with my perverted and disgusting public pollution and yes, they're not right. i terrorize my body and i am not much better than a rapist. until i come to my senses, i am the enemy. 

yes, i've been told all these stuff before. i will deal with all that later.

but seriously, to my smokers friends; it bothers me to see that quite a number of people so easily toss their cigarettes butts around. the most confusing part is when the dedicated ashtray is just 2.5 feet away, and i still see the butts being flipped and pitched and thrashed onto the ground.

to smoke is one thing, and to act as if the ground is your butts' bin... well, that's quite another.

maybe you can... i don't know, throw the butts in where they're supposed to be in (ashtray)? or if there's no ashtray, maybe you can put them back in the cigarette box? or leave them first in your car? or ensure that the butts are completely fired out and wrap them in a, well let's say tissue paper and put it in your pockets first? baru lah civilized kan? ;)

don't litter the earth with your cigarettes butts. it's not cool :) 
our earth is, well, our earth. it's not an ashtray. 

ok now i've annoyed some of you. sorry eh? :)

ps: but really, what's the point of writing if i don't annoy some people once in a while?

i want to de-stress you

50 Ways to Combat Stress. Hah! Life is Cute ;)

1. Get up 15 minutes earlier.
2. Prepare for the morning the night before.
3. Don't rely on your memories... write things down.
4. Repair things that don't work properly.
5. Make duplicate keys.
6. Say 'No' more often (not the attitudinal 'NO!').
7. Set priorities in your life.
8. Avoid negative people.
9. Always make copies of important papers.
10. Ask for help with jobs you dislike.
11. break large tasks into bite-sized portions.
12. Look at problems as challenges.
13. Smile more :)
14. be prepared for the rain. They can sometimes be bitchy, can't they?
15. Schedule a play time into everyday.
16. Avoid tight fitting clothes.
17. Take a bubble bath.
18. Believe in you. 
19. Visualize yourself winning.
20. Develop a sense of humour.
21. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better day.
22. Have goals for yourself.
23. Say hello to a stranger.
24. Look up at the stars.
25. Practise breathing slowly.
26. Do brand new things.
27. Stop a bad habit.
28. Take stock of your achievements.
29. Do it today.
30. Strive for excellence, NOT perfection.
31. Look at a work of art.
32. Maintain your weight.
33. Plant a tree.
34. Stand up and stretch.
35. Always have a Plan B.
36. Learn a new doodle.
37. Learn to meet your own needs.
38. Become a better listener.
39. Know your limitations, and let others know them too.
40. Throw a paper airplane.
41. Exercise every day.
42. get to work early.
43. Clean out your closet.
44. Take a different route to work.
45. Leave work early (with permission).
46. Remember that you always have options.
47. Quit trying to "fix" other people.
48. Get enough sleep.
49. Praise other people.
50. Relax, take each day at a time... You have the rest of your life to live.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


this is how the universe works. everyone you meet seems normal, until you finally get to know them. then only they seem not so normal anymore. they also wonder who else in this world are as different, or as abnormal as they are. you will even start to see that they too, have a long journey that they will have to venture through alone all their life. but i am fine with that. in fact, i love the truths this fact holds. 

and oh, another thing about how the universe works. at the end of the day, you will get paid by what you do, not by what you know. 

i think i'm turning the sipping grande hot caramel latte into a weekly agenda. of course, to be accompanied by the red book, just so that i have something to turn to whenever i feel the passers-by are no longer worth the watch. and also, to be accompanied by the week's music. and of course, the weird stares from other generally 23 or 22 year olds who think i am friendless.

i've longed for another family trip. however i might not be able to join them to Europe this coming July. Good for my eldest brother, I hope he will finally get to see Old Trafford Stadium first hand. however, i must be in London in October to see my sister graduates. she deserves the graduation flower more than anyone else i know. happy birthday to my eldest brother by the way.

some people i know are more comfortable with old problems, rather than with new solutions. aren't they aware of the fact that most, if not all, progress has resulted from people who takes up the unpopular positions and beliefs? 

this is how it works in the office; first they will ignore you, then they will think that you are out of your mind, then you hear people associating you with the word 'dangerous'... and then all of a sudden, there's this tiny pause and the next second, you can't find anyone who disagrees with you. 

with reference to my weekend; i don't expect them to understand me. why? because i know that we are so different, there's no way in hell they will ever get me. to them i am a confused little chap. but if they take the effort to dig deeper, they will find it that i am actually not bothered by what society thinks and i am laughing inside me at the thought of how small their worlds are. sorry, i just had to get that out of my system. 

and Dirah, i have missed you a lot. i still think that i can live without you. but that'd be very, very, VERY difficult. errr, is that sweet enough?

some of people of whom i've thought about a lot these days. apesal lah semua kene duduk jauh2 now? dang!

tomorrow signals the start of a brand new week. well, that's another story i'd say. 

Monday, March 15, 2010


Sometimes I wonder on whether have I actually own up to my life? Do I really take 100% responsibilities of my life? Most people I met claimed they do; except that they haven't given up on blaming and excuses are always around the corner. Of course, the same goes to me.

From this day on, I will own up to my life. I am holding the remote control of my life. I won't blame other people, or my boss, or the technical clerk, or the hangover, or the building's broken AC system, or the cat, or the weather, or my past, or that rude driver, or the food, or that leak on the ceiling downstairs. I don't control these elements, but I definitely can control my response, attitude and choices towards them. I am the force.

General Wesley Clark once said and I quote "It doesn't take any more energy to create big dreams, than to create a little one". Thank you General, you give me hope (GMH). So from now on, I will dream big and I am writing those dreams down and I will review them often. It's time to get my brain and my subconscious mind working towards them.

I won't sabotage my dreams anymore. I've always wanted a Duplex in the middle of KL by the time I'm 30, and I know that a duplex located in the city could easily shot up a million Ringgit. However, I will keep dreaming about it, and find ways within my values to achieve them. I won't sabotage myself by saying "Don't kid yourself. How on earth are you going to afford a mortgage that high 7 years from now?!". I won't say that to myself anymore. I am restructuring my vibe and aura into a positive light. I deserve to have everything in my life exactly the way I want it.

From now on, I will dedicate my days into enriching and empowering my life in these 8 categories:
1. My career progression.
2. My financial well-being.
3. My relationships with family and friends that matter.
4. My religion, and faith towards Allah.
5. My health and fitness.
6. My leisure time and my favourite activities.
7. My personal goals and self development.
8. The environment and the community I belong to. 

Thank you Allah. Thank you Jack Canfield.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Am I There Yet?

Thanks for being the person whom I enjoy missing.

Thanks for the being the friend whom I can spend hours and hours hanging out with.

Thanks for reminding me not to expect anything after a kind deed.

Thanks for letting me know that I will always have another soul to fall back on.

Thanks for being the kind of friend whom I want to see succeed more than myself.

Thanks for reminding me not to take life too seriously.

Thanks for making me realize that things do change between people.

Thanks for giving birth to me, hence life itself.

Thanks for making me your motivation in going through your days.

Thanks for trusting me with your inner fears.

Thanks for making me realize that I am capable of things I thought I never would.

Thanks for being nice.

Thank you, because of you, I now stay truer to myself. 

Thank you.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

big apple(s)

Have you tried listening to the song 'Empire State of Mind (Part 2)' by Alicia Keys? It's not the more popular one where she sings it with Jay-Z, this song (the Part 2) is entirely by her alone. And of course, she plays the piano with it too. It's a good song, I spent my the entire past 2 days listening to it. She made me feel like really taking a vocal class. She also made me wish that I was a born and a bred New Yorker. 


I don't think I am vain. But I know some people really are. Quite a lot of the facebook profile pages that I came across were owned by souls that are really interested in themselves. They'll put up, sometimes, up to 20 photo albums, and all of the pictures in those albums are only pictures of themselves. And no one / nothing else. 

And there will be a lot of comments beneath all those photos from other people of the same mindset, thinking that the ultimate scenario of photos-posting has been achieved; to only display an individual's outer beauty, and nothing else.

Of course, some people uses their online profile to really tell the whole world that 'I am pretty / handsome!', and after a while you will realize that there is all to their pages. And nothing else; you spent 1 good hour on their page even, and you still can't figure out what they like or what they do.

Of course, I am not saying that it's absurd to apply such belief. I, in fact, think that millions of other people put up an online profile simply for that.

But I personally prefer online profiles that are really used for network-expanding purposes, keeping in touch with family and friends, letting people know the surface growth of your life or simply as pages where your interest and passion are quite exemplified. For example, I enjoyed browsing through some friends' profiles, because they include elements of what they are passionate about; sports or writings or travels or music or design etc. I just think that's more fulfilling and more honest. 

But then again, no one expects you to be honest, it's just an online profile. Show more of your ass and abs for all I care.

I miss Kuala Lumpur. I want to live there some day, with good friends and good income and in a nice apartment smacked in the city. I like how the city's backdrops fit well in almost every photography's background, how the people rushes of here and there, how everyone spend their after-work hours chillexing at all these cool cafes and bars etc. I even like the feeling of having to cramp the little hours left you have in a day with so many other things haha. It feels so city.

To all my readers, I miss you.

Friday, February 12, 2010

you're fat!

I don't get it why some people I know always cast me the same surprised and sad look whenever they bumped into me walking alone in the mall, or at the cafe or anywhere else. Some of them even said stuff like "Kesian nya kau jalan sorang" or "are you having a problem?". Of course the more uneducated ones will just kept quiet and formed pathetic conclusion in their minds about me being friendless and unsociable.

They're such a bitch / male-bitch. 

I know quite a lot of people who are scared to death about hanging out all by themselves and they struggle to find company all the damned time. They even go to the extend of rescheduling their time or not attending any important errands if that means they have to do some things along for a few hours.

They're such a bitch / male-bitch. And I actually pity them. A lot. I also hope they will grow old fat.

To me there's nothing wrong with spending your time alone, even for a lot of times. I think it's bravery and it takes a lot of courage. The most important thing is, not minding being alone means that you actually like yourself, and you want to spend time with yourself. I think that's sexy/cool/sexy.

I can go on about the truthful and deep reasons on why it's okay to hang out alone. But I prefer to talk about the surface and simple stuff. 

And you, your look tells me as if I am an anti-social awkward guy who prefers mowing the lawn to making friends. Snap it off suckers, let me tell you something. I know how to make friends. I am actually likable. I've been told by people that they like hanging out with me. In fact, I think that I can make more friends in 2-3 months than you can in a year.

And that's why you're the bitch / male-bitch.

And if you think your life is more fulfilling just because you came across me walking alone 3-4 times  a week while you're juggling between 3-4 friends at the same time, I have news for you. Your friends are not nearly as hot as me, and in fact, one of them looks like a fat lesbi** bit**. That alone, makes your life not as fulfilling as you thought it is. 

I sat at a coffee shop alone, while rearranging my budget for the month / reading a classic literature with an iced milo in front of me. That's way hotter than you walking with 2 hideous tramps and 1 flat-nosed short guy with an 'artistic attitudinal' hobo t-shirt that doesn't quite scream 'fashion!'.

Ignore the previous two (2) paragraphs. That just got out (it's not me, it's my trapped superficial soul).

I like myself. I definitely like myself more than anyone else around me. It's not that I don't mind hanging out alone. But it's just that I want to hang out alone. Cheers mate, tah!

PS: By the way, if I see you dying by the street, I will still help you. Although my impulsive respond would be to pour acid in you throat and call your 'friends' to let them know that you need ambulance. And yes, please ignore this paragraph, too. 

Sunday, February 07, 2010

when you've already got me coming undone...

I have a piece of 2 cents to share here. I think we should really limit the number of persons we can trust in our life. Believe me when I said that sometimes, having trust issues is even a good thing. Nobody in this world takes your secret as big as you do. Nobody understands the magnitude of your secret as you do. Nobody even understands what kind of consequences it has in store for you should everyone else knows about it as much as you do.

You tell someone something private about your life, and they assured you that it will not leave the table. But sooner or later, they will 'accidentally' mention it to their other good friends, or their lovers or even their family members, thinking that this second degree listener is trustworthy too. Well, maybe they are, but the point is clear. A secret told to you is only meant for you. 

But they still think it's alright, because to them, they can trust this one more person with the secret and assurance were given there too. But the cycle keeps going on and on, and by the time you knew it, 5-6 people have already familiarized themselves with the private details of your life.

I have arrived to a conclusion that I can only trust completely 2 people in my life. I have many other good friends, but they unintentionally betrayed me as well. I understand that they didn't mean to hurt me, and I have not made a big deal about it inside me, but seriously, it hurts to know that someone whom I thought I could trust were airing my secret to someone else. Yes, I am not angry or anything to some of them (given the size of the friendship that we have and yes, I forgive quite easily) but at least now I know how the human minds operate. 

No offense to anyone, I just need to clear this out from my mind.

And I wish I could undo all the mistakes that I have done for the past 7 months since I stepped foot in Miri. And sometimes I thought of leaving this place altogether, and start brand new somewhere else. 

It has been a year and 2 days since I left Sydney. I wouldn't say that time flies, but yeah it kinda did.