Tuesday, May 10, 2011

your courier item is with us...

i found solace and contentment by running in the evening, when i'm done with work and stuff. i've had friends and i've known quite a number of people who has shrinks or therapists in search of serenity and longevity in inner peace. it works by the patient opening up their hearts and souls and pouring everything out like water gushing out of a hole in a damn. at the price of 100 dollars an hour.

maybe i haven't reached that stage where i need to pay someone to listen to me, or pay them to tell me things that i have already known about but not too firm to believe in it until another soul tells me to. but whatever the case, i still prefer running when i feel like my innards are about to implode due to stress or overbearing burden from just being human. and it's cheaper. all you need is good running shoes (you don't even need a shirt to run, to be brutally honest) and amidst all the salty sweat and panting breaths, you suddenly feel like you are at your best again.

one of my good friend emailed me and wrote on how she misses me and how she feels as if things doesn't turn out the way she has planned them on. of course, i miss her too. the truth is, i've had SO much fun and happy (and adventurous) times in uni years, that i often compared how things were back then and how everything is at the present. and all these comparisons will usually end in me being slightly sad (or maybe angry) that things are not the same anymore and how it seems so impossible to relive your past good memories or build your life exactly in the same way it was back then. reliving my old times mean finding the same kind of friends and living in a place that somehow resembles where we were. and both were impossible... with me being in Miri.

good things are not so commonly found sometimes, and when you've had the kind of blast in life that you are never too tired to replay them over and over again in your mind, you are somehow smacked flat to the ground, knowing that it will never repeat itself. maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to have your youth years filled with average and mediocre memories or point-of-actions. then you won't miss them so much, at least.

this is a bit unfair, but i am only looking at my life in Miri as a learning ground for work and other goals in life, solely. once i feel comfortable with all these goals already, i'm outta here insya Allah. i'm serious.

Friday, May 06, 2011


The thing about wanting to be a constant blogger is; you can never be a constant blogger. you disappear at times because you were too busy and get too caught up with other issues in life, or as a more frequent scenario may hold, you just ran out of ideas on what to write. yeap it's true, thousands of things are happening around the world involving millions of citizens and at the end of the day, when all you believed you need is to hit the keyboard and do some thought processing... nothing came out.

it's a little wonder that among the truckloads amount of blogs out there, majority of them are crap (just like this blog). the only person who reads the posts are the writers themselves, and more than 7 times a week, they are guaranteed to at least think to stop blogging altogether. and yes, i wonder too, why in the name of heavens i keep on blogging.

i used to have a lot of readers in my blog few years back (ironically, those were the days when my posts were nothing but an awful lot of crap with very few interesting ideas). those were the days when everyone in sydney (my group of friends, at least) spent a good 1 hour a day stalking other peers' blogs or wrote one themselves.

but those days are gone, their daily one-hour period are now occupied with more important stuff like attending to their wives, or dining out with friends and having an actual conversations with an actual person out there. but it's different for me... still single at 25, very unenthusiastic about the social scene in Miri and apart from work and gym, i really don't do anything else here.

thus, i kept on writing and not publishing most of my posts. by the way, i now weigh 70kgs and apparently my chest is broader now (according to some). thanks to gym i suppose... and protein supplements.

generally, i write to practice and also because if i don't write, i'll go mad. at times. sometimes.

i can't believe i'm saying this; but more than ever now, i'm just so sick of being single and can't wait to try a new ride called 'relationships'. although i really believe that i will be horribly bad at it. well, probably this is not me speaking, maybe it's just the post-work stress. goodnight!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i left you outside.

it's amazing how a human can create strong bonds with another person through a simple common ground. i believe that you shouldn't be too strict on who your friends are. but you definitely need to be strict on whom you choose to trust.

it's a bit sad, but I have only discovered that the things that are worth doing in your life, are usually the things that are difficult to do. it took me 25 bloody years to actually fathom and digest that concept.

i spent an average 1 hour per day browsing beautiful people's blog or personal webpage, up to a point that i can tell what's their full name, who are their bestfriends, which restaurants they usually frequent to and what sort of pet do they have. i don't think i'm a stalker, i'm just one of those fortunate people who knows my way around the net.

it's disgusting how some people you know added you in facebook, and then removed you from their friends' list over a small argument. what's even more disgusting is people who doesn't know how to be humble and utter 'i'm sorry'. they're pathetic, and i'm glad in not connected with you through facebook anymore (hey, facebook is a big deal ok!).

i am only updating my blog tonight because it's tuesday, and i know that you read my blog every tuesday :) i love you.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Quarter of a Century (!)

Here's to the last few minutes of being 24.

I hope my life will be blessed with more smiles, laughter, peace, accomplishments, good health, and of course, a stronger Iman. Insya Allah.

happy 25th birthday to me.


Monday, March 21, 2011

i just came to say hello

Guess what, another weekend flew by. Just like that, and much to my dislike, tomorrow will be Monday again, the beginning of a new week. Which means the universe will again see me struggle to set myself free from the lazy lament and aftermath of the weekends, only to reach my fullest productivity at work by Wednesday noon, only then to be greeted again by another Friday in less than 48 hours (which means I will be back to my lazy mode and start dreaming again on how life will soon be better and happier). Sigh.

To think that I will be living like that for another 30 years or so, coupled with the fact that EVERYONE in this world does live like that for 30 years of their life, demotivates me... to say the least. And yes, I can feel that shiver being shot rundown my spine. My healthy spine.

(BTW some would argue that the beginning of the week is actually Sunday, but let's not get into that and complicate this post).

On an unrelated note, one of my best friend, Ashraf (Joe, Joegi, Joey, JOEi) is now a father! Congratulations Joe! Joe and I went way back. We were friends since college, and became really close friends after flying together to Sydney in the name of Education. He was always calm, always put people first (especially his housemates) never failed to look at the bright side of life (I am serious and I literally meant it), always make me feel as if my jokes were the funniest, embraced the fact that his set of teeth was less than perfect and of course, smart. So Alhamdulillah, Joe deserves this kind of happiness more than anyone I know.

Things has been okay I suppose for me in Miri. Yes, I still wish that I am living in KL now, but as one of my newly-met friend (Boh) mentioned, sometimes in life you just have to wing it (he said something like that lah).

So in the name of winging it; I am now adapting well to my new superior's (he is strict, btw) commands and requirements, I have been loitering (ermmm... yeap, that's right; loitering) around in gym more often lately and I will start my Squash Regime real soon, and this time I am not kidding. And plus, I will be joining Ariff and Nasyita on a road trip from Miri to Kudat, Sabah on my birthday!

I can never stress this enough, but there is something about road trips that makes me feel as if I am at my best. The scenary, the thought of you in a car flashing by other people's places and stopping there for only 2-3 minutes just to rush off for a poo or grab a Coke or to replenish your junk food stock. There's always something so real about roadtrips, something so adventurous... as if the whole experiences sort of jumped out of an old thick-bound classic literature book. And of course, good company and many photographs are two default requirements :)

I am scared. More and more people whom I was close with during my late teens and early 20s are now called husbands, wives, daddies and mommies. And look where I am, not even in a relationship. I kept telling myself that it's okay, I'm still young and there's more time for all these commitment-based ideology when you're done with enjoying your bachelorhood (super subjective, that statement).

But truthfully, what really scares me the most is the fact I am too comfortable being single, that at times (or maybe, most of the times) I don't even look forward to having a relationship. I am always thinking of doing many things in my life, and lately, the mind image of me doing all these fun and exciting stuff are no longer a picture of me with my future gf/wife. It has now turned into a mental film on me doing all these things alone (or with my few selected bestfriends). Maybe I indulge too much in the never-ending world of narcissism. Or maybe I just still don't get it that the best things in life are shared.

But all in all, I am not ready yet for a relationship. I have not met anyone yet that swept me off my feet, or anyone that makes me feel like sweeping them off their feet (for that matter). I have my reason (a concrete and strong one) but we'll keep that for another post.

Goodnight, thanks for reading!

Friday, March 04, 2011

when i hit my dues

Believe it or not, I will officially be 25 in about 3 weeks time. To tell you the truth, I have imagined about being 25 for a very long time. I had imagined it while growing up, during my teen years, and while laboring my brains in completing college... and during all those times, being 25 seemed so distant, that I actually wondered will the time actually come?

And here I am, another 3 Saturdays and I will be 25. The grace period will then be over, I will no longer be qualified to claim of living in the post-adolescent period, and whether I like it or not, all societal rules and requirements will now be applied to me fully. And why shouldn't they? After all, I will hit the quarter-of-a-century mark real soon.

I have an issue. I can downright be too ambitious, silently telling myself to achieve a certain standards in a few self-labelled 'walks of life'. And till I actually attained those goals, I tend to feel that my life hasn't started and I am still living in the 'preparatory stage' of my life.

I used to think it was fine, except that however this 'prep stage' has seemed to last a bit too long and has caused me to forget on how it is to actually live life on the present tense, and breathing in every moment I went through, because I was too busy planning and imagining my future life and began my daily self-talks with "One day, I will...".

The truth is, I haven't been achieving much of my goals (because I lacked focus, not persistent and simply because I want to be good at things that I reckon I will never like doing, to even begin with... but nevertheless, I still feel that I need to be good at it because my life won't be 'complete' without it).

So when being 25 is just around the corner, and I feel that this 'prep stage' is still not over, I was finally dumbstruck, to say the least. Perhaps I have completely forgotten of the fact that life is a journey, and learning or improving yourself is an on-going process. All this dilemma has also turned me into some one who is scared to death of growing old. Seriously, the only thing I liked about my birthdays is counting the wishes that I received on my facebook wall. Other than that, it will just be a day where I will bombard myself with depressing thoughts and heavily pondered on whether have I left a mark somewhere in life? True, I have forgotten on how to live by the moment.

It's my fault, but to a certain extend, I refuse to blame myself. Every human being needs validation, and my validation comes in that way; knowing to do a lot/being a high achiever.

Turning the coin on the other side; things do turn up good anyway. I might still be trapped in this small-minded 'prep stage - waiting for my life to start'... because I am still not able to converse in French well, I am still not able to take and edit good photographs, I still haven't reached my financial goals, I still haven't achieved that desired body weight and I still am not very good at doing work in my office and bla bla bla.

But at least I am a member of a happy and well-fed family. I have a degree, has traveled quite extensively, am not hideous looking and my best-friend Najmuddin and Nadirah are still by my side. Alhamdulillah.

Here's to the last few weeks of being 24, and may this 'prep stage' can finally leave my mind, to enable me to take life as it is.

Allah, thank you for everything, Alhamdulillah.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

In a few hours time, we will start hitting the road and hippie-stylishly drive ourselves to Bintulu. I will be spending my CNY leave hiking Similajau National Park, in the central Sarawak region, insya Allah.

If all turns out as planned, I can happily tick off another check box in my list of traveling to do while living in Borneo. Hopefully the weather is on our side ;)

By the way, I prefer the phrase 'I live in Borneo', as opposed to 'I live in Miri'. Borneo sounds rather more exotic, and life's too short to not be anything exotic.

(life's too short for bad fitting jeans and oversized shirts, too. Do take note).

when you turn 50

I have probably spent a total of 1000 hours of my lifetime searching for interesting quotes over the net and getting inspired by them (and forgetting them 48 hours later, usually after a post-traumatic workloads in the office). and i am also a sucker for inspirational wordy photographs, as the combination of stunning photography and strong words just has a way into my heart.

recently, one of those that i came across was a sepia picture of an old guy with a scripted phrase at the bottom of the photograph that says "I just turned 50. my best days are now officially behind me".

before i start, i must make it clear here that i am one of those shallow people that are scared of growing old. yes, that's true. i am worried and scared to death of seeing the clock ticking away, leaving me with absolutely no way to have my fist clenched around them again, sending me deeper and deeper into my lifelines, taking away my youth and replacing it with the dreadful thin lines and grey hairs.

reasons being because i am not matured enough for always equating 'being young' as 'living life'. i don't quite see the ability of living and enjoying life when you are not accompanied by your youthful beauty, healthy joints and a disease-free well being. i always assume that being old means i will have limitations (in terms of physical ability) and so much more. what i probably fail to see is that older people are usually the wisest among all of us because they have been through so much and they tend to have a certain elegance that they carry with them in their daily lives.

(good thing i am a male. as they say, a male gets more and more attractive as they age. and not so much for female). phew, at least i am a male.... and suddenly the thought of growing old seems 10% less scary.

due to all these, i sometimes feel that i try so hard to live life to the fullest before my youth time is up, that i have lost the spontaneity and the gracefulness in actually living life itself. i have reached a point where i actually count my good memories and achievements, because i am worried that i may reach a certain age without the 'sufficient amount of good memories and achievements'. i am now so focused in building memories and living the young life, up to the extend that i have actually forgotten to just be and live by the moment itself without any other care in the world.

in my mind, my dateline is 50, and that means i have another 25 years to go. thinking about what to do within those 25 years and what to fill them with is enough to make me stress and anxious. don't get me wrong... my issue is that i have very little tolerance towards being imperfect that i am scared of reaching an old age and suddenly realizing that i haven't done/achieve much and ask myself the question that i want forever to stay away from: "where have all my years gone by? what have i done/achieved?".

i guess it's a just a mind trick that happens to all single people. being single, we are the kind of people who have not yet added the terms "wife" or "kids" and "extended family" into our life equations. we are still cruising through life solo. hence, the obsession of achieving/doing enough, because we thought that eventually these achievements will be the substitute for all the love that we might not have when loneliness kicks in.

i hope i make sense here... but whatever it is, to all my readers, here's to growing and ageing with grace, and may each year added into our life brings with it more charm, charisma and wisdom (and wealth too!). it's inevitable, what is the use of being scared of it anyway, right?

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Welcoming 2011

I haven't been properly welcoming 2011 in this blog... Probably because there was a two-weeks period where I really thought that I had nothing else to write in this world anymore (true, good things do come to an end), or probably of the fact that I haven't been keeping in touch with my 'writing side' (and this usually means I set my life on auto pilot and simply cruise through life without much thought on it).

but the actual truth is that I have been smoking way too much and I haven't been managing my time well and got tangled up in so many crisis (work wise and personal life wise)... that by the end of each day, all there's left to do is hit the bed (and spend a third of the night wondering whether will I be able to wake up at 6am tomorrow?). sigh. such is life.

anyway, i can't help but came across a few articles about people and their new resolutions. yes, i admit, i have 12 new resolutions this year (6 of them are carried forward from last year. sigh) and all these articles kept me wondering on what have i achieved for the past year. was 2010 spent well enough? ... was it a year worth living and would i miss every damned second of it like how 2008 really left a soft spot in my heart? (2008 by the way, was so far the best year in my life).

that's the thing with us humans. we ponder on the past, wondering whether have we achieved enough? this could probably be the reason on why some people i know are so scared of growing old (and that includes me). us humans, we were created to crave for accomplishments. we seem to need validation, and without it, we don't feel strong about ourselves. we just can not seem to be happy without all these validations. other species on the other hand, don't care much about buying new car, job promotions or a salary raise (but the again, that's probably why they all ended up being stray animals or got eaten up by their carnivorous counter-parts). LOL!

for a quick glance, 2010 was not all that bad for me. i've met some new friends, had a few memorable crazy night outs (my achievements are shallow, i know), performed better at work (according to my boss), managed to taste what it was like to spend 11 days straight offshore, bought an iphone, and of course, i finally managed to travel to 3 european countries. that's about all, i guess. but it feels good knowing that i am now only 25, and insya Allah i still have more years to add more spectrum in my life.

but all in all, a new year is just another day. january 1st, to be more precise, is just another day. it's all the same shits, but in a different year.

2011 hopefully will be the day when i am more able to persistently perform well at work. this year too, hopefully, where i can attain my desired body shape and be able to finally play squash well. i hope to save more money too this year, and insya Allah all three of my major traveling plans are to happen this year too. AMIN!

good night people. (this is kinda pathetic, but if you do read my blog, please leave a comment. a simple 'HELLO" would suffice. i feel like i'm running out of readers, and that scares the hell out of me).

good night again! x

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I can't wait for your arrival on Friday. I have a long overdue hug to give.


some people are _________. get over it!

I’m punk… So I must be a rebel.

I’m Asian… So I must like maths.

I dye my hair crazy colours… So I must be looking for attention.

I’m a lesbian… So I must have a crush on every single girl I see.

I have a lot of girl friends… So I must be fucking every single one of them.

I smile a lot… So I must have the perfect life.

I listen to reggae… So I must be a stoner.

My opinion matters… So I must be a bitch.

I like to help out… So I must be a suck up.

I’m Black… So I must be ghetto.

I’m bisexual… So I must get around.

I’m Chinese… So I must have loved money.

I’m Mexican… So I must be low class.

I cut myself… So I must be emo.

I laugh a lot… So I cannot be depressed.

I like spending my days at home… So I don’t have any friends.

I’m gay… So I must be bullied.

I’m not popular… So I must be a loser.

I’m quiet… Something bad must have happened to me.

I get good grades… So I must have no life.