Thursday, February 03, 2011

In a few hours time, we will start hitting the road and hippie-stylishly drive ourselves to Bintulu. I will be spending my CNY leave hiking Similajau National Park, in the central Sarawak region, insya Allah.

If all turns out as planned, I can happily tick off another check box in my list of traveling to do while living in Borneo. Hopefully the weather is on our side ;)

By the way, I prefer the phrase 'I live in Borneo', as opposed to 'I live in Miri'. Borneo sounds rather more exotic, and life's too short to not be anything exotic.

(life's too short for bad fitting jeans and oversized shirts, too. Do take note).

when you turn 50

I have probably spent a total of 1000 hours of my lifetime searching for interesting quotes over the net and getting inspired by them (and forgetting them 48 hours later, usually after a post-traumatic workloads in the office). and i am also a sucker for inspirational wordy photographs, as the combination of stunning photography and strong words just has a way into my heart.

recently, one of those that i came across was a sepia picture of an old guy with a scripted phrase at the bottom of the photograph that says "I just turned 50. my best days are now officially behind me".

before i start, i must make it clear here that i am one of those shallow people that are scared of growing old. yes, that's true. i am worried and scared to death of seeing the clock ticking away, leaving me with absolutely no way to have my fist clenched around them again, sending me deeper and deeper into my lifelines, taking away my youth and replacing it with the dreadful thin lines and grey hairs.

reasons being because i am not matured enough for always equating 'being young' as 'living life'. i don't quite see the ability of living and enjoying life when you are not accompanied by your youthful beauty, healthy joints and a disease-free well being. i always assume that being old means i will have limitations (in terms of physical ability) and so much more. what i probably fail to see is that older people are usually the wisest among all of us because they have been through so much and they tend to have a certain elegance that they carry with them in their daily lives.

(good thing i am a male. as they say, a male gets more and more attractive as they age. and not so much for female). phew, at least i am a male.... and suddenly the thought of growing old seems 10% less scary.

due to all these, i sometimes feel that i try so hard to live life to the fullest before my youth time is up, that i have lost the spontaneity and the gracefulness in actually living life itself. i have reached a point where i actually count my good memories and achievements, because i am worried that i may reach a certain age without the 'sufficient amount of good memories and achievements'. i am now so focused in building memories and living the young life, up to the extend that i have actually forgotten to just be and live by the moment itself without any other care in the world.

in my mind, my dateline is 50, and that means i have another 25 years to go. thinking about what to do within those 25 years and what to fill them with is enough to make me stress and anxious. don't get me wrong... my issue is that i have very little tolerance towards being imperfect that i am scared of reaching an old age and suddenly realizing that i haven't done/achieve much and ask myself the question that i want forever to stay away from: "where have all my years gone by? what have i done/achieved?".

i guess it's a just a mind trick that happens to all single people. being single, we are the kind of people who have not yet added the terms "wife" or "kids" and "extended family" into our life equations. we are still cruising through life solo. hence, the obsession of achieving/doing enough, because we thought that eventually these achievements will be the substitute for all the love that we might not have when loneliness kicks in.

i hope i make sense here... but whatever it is, to all my readers, here's to growing and ageing with grace, and may each year added into our life brings with it more charm, charisma and wisdom (and wealth too!). it's inevitable, what is the use of being scared of it anyway, right?

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Welcoming 2011

I haven't been properly welcoming 2011 in this blog... Probably because there was a two-weeks period where I really thought that I had nothing else to write in this world anymore (true, good things do come to an end), or probably of the fact that I haven't been keeping in touch with my 'writing side' (and this usually means I set my life on auto pilot and simply cruise through life without much thought on it).

but the actual truth is that I have been smoking way too much and I haven't been managing my time well and got tangled up in so many crisis (work wise and personal life wise)... that by the end of each day, all there's left to do is hit the bed (and spend a third of the night wondering whether will I be able to wake up at 6am tomorrow?). sigh. such is life.

anyway, i can't help but came across a few articles about people and their new resolutions. yes, i admit, i have 12 new resolutions this year (6 of them are carried forward from last year. sigh) and all these articles kept me wondering on what have i achieved for the past year. was 2010 spent well enough? ... was it a year worth living and would i miss every damned second of it like how 2008 really left a soft spot in my heart? (2008 by the way, was so far the best year in my life).

that's the thing with us humans. we ponder on the past, wondering whether have we achieved enough? this could probably be the reason on why some people i know are so scared of growing old (and that includes me). us humans, we were created to crave for accomplishments. we seem to need validation, and without it, we don't feel strong about ourselves. we just can not seem to be happy without all these validations. other species on the other hand, don't care much about buying new car, job promotions or a salary raise (but the again, that's probably why they all ended up being stray animals or got eaten up by their carnivorous counter-parts). LOL!

for a quick glance, 2010 was not all that bad for me. i've met some new friends, had a few memorable crazy night outs (my achievements are shallow, i know), performed better at work (according to my boss), managed to taste what it was like to spend 11 days straight offshore, bought an iphone, and of course, i finally managed to travel to 3 european countries. that's about all, i guess. but it feels good knowing that i am now only 25, and insya Allah i still have more years to add more spectrum in my life.

but all in all, a new year is just another day. january 1st, to be more precise, is just another day. it's all the same shits, but in a different year.

2011 hopefully will be the day when i am more able to persistently perform well at work. this year too, hopefully, where i can attain my desired body shape and be able to finally play squash well. i hope to save more money too this year, and insya Allah all three of my major traveling plans are to happen this year too. AMIN!

good night people. (this is kinda pathetic, but if you do read my blog, please leave a comment. a simple 'HELLO" would suffice. i feel like i'm running out of readers, and that scares the hell out of me).

good night again! x