Thursday, February 03, 2011

when you turn 50

I have probably spent a total of 1000 hours of my lifetime searching for interesting quotes over the net and getting inspired by them (and forgetting them 48 hours later, usually after a post-traumatic workloads in the office). and i am also a sucker for inspirational wordy photographs, as the combination of stunning photography and strong words just has a way into my heart.

recently, one of those that i came across was a sepia picture of an old guy with a scripted phrase at the bottom of the photograph that says "I just turned 50. my best days are now officially behind me".

before i start, i must make it clear here that i am one of those shallow people that are scared of growing old. yes, that's true. i am worried and scared to death of seeing the clock ticking away, leaving me with absolutely no way to have my fist clenched around them again, sending me deeper and deeper into my lifelines, taking away my youth and replacing it with the dreadful thin lines and grey hairs.

reasons being because i am not matured enough for always equating 'being young' as 'living life'. i don't quite see the ability of living and enjoying life when you are not accompanied by your youthful beauty, healthy joints and a disease-free well being. i always assume that being old means i will have limitations (in terms of physical ability) and so much more. what i probably fail to see is that older people are usually the wisest among all of us because they have been through so much and they tend to have a certain elegance that they carry with them in their daily lives.

(good thing i am a male. as they say, a male gets more and more attractive as they age. and not so much for female). phew, at least i am a male.... and suddenly the thought of growing old seems 10% less scary.

due to all these, i sometimes feel that i try so hard to live life to the fullest before my youth time is up, that i have lost the spontaneity and the gracefulness in actually living life itself. i have reached a point where i actually count my good memories and achievements, because i am worried that i may reach a certain age without the 'sufficient amount of good memories and achievements'. i am now so focused in building memories and living the young life, up to the extend that i have actually forgotten to just be and live by the moment itself without any other care in the world.

in my mind, my dateline is 50, and that means i have another 25 years to go. thinking about what to do within those 25 years and what to fill them with is enough to make me stress and anxious. don't get me wrong... my issue is that i have very little tolerance towards being imperfect that i am scared of reaching an old age and suddenly realizing that i haven't done/achieve much and ask myself the question that i want forever to stay away from: "where have all my years gone by? what have i done/achieved?".

i guess it's a just a mind trick that happens to all single people. being single, we are the kind of people who have not yet added the terms "wife" or "kids" and "extended family" into our life equations. we are still cruising through life solo. hence, the obsession of achieving/doing enough, because we thought that eventually these achievements will be the substitute for all the love that we might not have when loneliness kicks in.

i hope i make sense here... but whatever it is, to all my readers, here's to growing and ageing with grace, and may each year added into our life brings with it more charm, charisma and wisdom (and wealth too!). it's inevitable, what is the use of being scared of it anyway, right?

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