Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i left you outside.

it's amazing how a human can create strong bonds with another person through a simple common ground. i believe that you shouldn't be too strict on who your friends are. but you definitely need to be strict on whom you choose to trust.

it's a bit sad, but I have only discovered that the things that are worth doing in your life, are usually the things that are difficult to do. it took me 25 bloody years to actually fathom and digest that concept.

i spent an average 1 hour per day browsing beautiful people's blog or personal webpage, up to a point that i can tell what's their full name, who are their bestfriends, which restaurants they usually frequent to and what sort of pet do they have. i don't think i'm a stalker, i'm just one of those fortunate people who knows my way around the net.

it's disgusting how some people you know added you in facebook, and then removed you from their friends' list over a small argument. what's even more disgusting is people who doesn't know how to be humble and utter 'i'm sorry'. they're pathetic, and i'm glad in not connected with you through facebook anymore (hey, facebook is a big deal ok!).

i am only updating my blog tonight because it's tuesday, and i know that you read my blog every tuesday :) i love you.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Quarter of a Century (!)

Here's to the last few minutes of being 24.

I hope my life will be blessed with more smiles, laughter, peace, accomplishments, good health, and of course, a stronger Iman. Insya Allah.

happy 25th birthday to me.


Monday, March 21, 2011

i just came to say hello

Guess what, another weekend flew by. Just like that, and much to my dislike, tomorrow will be Monday again, the beginning of a new week. Which means the universe will again see me struggle to set myself free from the lazy lament and aftermath of the weekends, only to reach my fullest productivity at work by Wednesday noon, only then to be greeted again by another Friday in less than 48 hours (which means I will be back to my lazy mode and start dreaming again on how life will soon be better and happier). Sigh.

To think that I will be living like that for another 30 years or so, coupled with the fact that EVERYONE in this world does live like that for 30 years of their life, demotivates me... to say the least. And yes, I can feel that shiver being shot rundown my spine. My healthy spine.

(BTW some would argue that the beginning of the week is actually Sunday, but let's not get into that and complicate this post).

On an unrelated note, one of my best friend, Ashraf (Joe, Joegi, Joey, JOEi) is now a father! Congratulations Joe! Joe and I went way back. We were friends since college, and became really close friends after flying together to Sydney in the name of Education. He was always calm, always put people first (especially his housemates) never failed to look at the bright side of life (I am serious and I literally meant it), always make me feel as if my jokes were the funniest, embraced the fact that his set of teeth was less than perfect and of course, smart. So Alhamdulillah, Joe deserves this kind of happiness more than anyone I know.

Things has been okay I suppose for me in Miri. Yes, I still wish that I am living in KL now, but as one of my newly-met friend (Boh) mentioned, sometimes in life you just have to wing it (he said something like that lah).

So in the name of winging it; I am now adapting well to my new superior's (he is strict, btw) commands and requirements, I have been loitering (ermmm... yeap, that's right; loitering) around in gym more often lately and I will start my Squash Regime real soon, and this time I am not kidding. And plus, I will be joining Ariff and Nasyita on a road trip from Miri to Kudat, Sabah on my birthday!

I can never stress this enough, but there is something about road trips that makes me feel as if I am at my best. The scenary, the thought of you in a car flashing by other people's places and stopping there for only 2-3 minutes just to rush off for a poo or grab a Coke or to replenish your junk food stock. There's always something so real about roadtrips, something so adventurous... as if the whole experiences sort of jumped out of an old thick-bound classic literature book. And of course, good company and many photographs are two default requirements :)

I am scared. More and more people whom I was close with during my late teens and early 20s are now called husbands, wives, daddies and mommies. And look where I am, not even in a relationship. I kept telling myself that it's okay, I'm still young and there's more time for all these commitment-based ideology when you're done with enjoying your bachelorhood (super subjective, that statement).

But truthfully, what really scares me the most is the fact I am too comfortable being single, that at times (or maybe, most of the times) I don't even look forward to having a relationship. I am always thinking of doing many things in my life, and lately, the mind image of me doing all these fun and exciting stuff are no longer a picture of me with my future gf/wife. It has now turned into a mental film on me doing all these things alone (or with my few selected bestfriends). Maybe I indulge too much in the never-ending world of narcissism. Or maybe I just still don't get it that the best things in life are shared.

But all in all, I am not ready yet for a relationship. I have not met anyone yet that swept me off my feet, or anyone that makes me feel like sweeping them off their feet (for that matter). I have my reason (a concrete and strong one) but we'll keep that for another post.

Goodnight, thanks for reading!

Friday, March 04, 2011

when i hit my dues

Believe it or not, I will officially be 25 in about 3 weeks time. To tell you the truth, I have imagined about being 25 for a very long time. I had imagined it while growing up, during my teen years, and while laboring my brains in completing college... and during all those times, being 25 seemed so distant, that I actually wondered will the time actually come?

And here I am, another 3 Saturdays and I will be 25. The grace period will then be over, I will no longer be qualified to claim of living in the post-adolescent period, and whether I like it or not, all societal rules and requirements will now be applied to me fully. And why shouldn't they? After all, I will hit the quarter-of-a-century mark real soon.

I have an issue. I can downright be too ambitious, silently telling myself to achieve a certain standards in a few self-labelled 'walks of life'. And till I actually attained those goals, I tend to feel that my life hasn't started and I am still living in the 'preparatory stage' of my life.

I used to think it was fine, except that however this 'prep stage' has seemed to last a bit too long and has caused me to forget on how it is to actually live life on the present tense, and breathing in every moment I went through, because I was too busy planning and imagining my future life and began my daily self-talks with "One day, I will...".

The truth is, I haven't been achieving much of my goals (because I lacked focus, not persistent and simply because I want to be good at things that I reckon I will never like doing, to even begin with... but nevertheless, I still feel that I need to be good at it because my life won't be 'complete' without it).

So when being 25 is just around the corner, and I feel that this 'prep stage' is still not over, I was finally dumbstruck, to say the least. Perhaps I have completely forgotten of the fact that life is a journey, and learning or improving yourself is an on-going process. All this dilemma has also turned me into some one who is scared to death of growing old. Seriously, the only thing I liked about my birthdays is counting the wishes that I received on my facebook wall. Other than that, it will just be a day where I will bombard myself with depressing thoughts and heavily pondered on whether have I left a mark somewhere in life? True, I have forgotten on how to live by the moment.

It's my fault, but to a certain extend, I refuse to blame myself. Every human being needs validation, and my validation comes in that way; knowing to do a lot/being a high achiever.

Turning the coin on the other side; things do turn up good anyway. I might still be trapped in this small-minded 'prep stage - waiting for my life to start'... because I am still not able to converse in French well, I am still not able to take and edit good photographs, I still haven't reached my financial goals, I still haven't achieved that desired body weight and I still am not very good at doing work in my office and bla bla bla.

But at least I am a member of a happy and well-fed family. I have a degree, has traveled quite extensively, am not hideous looking and my best-friend Najmuddin and Nadirah are still by my side. Alhamdulillah.

Here's to the last few weeks of being 24, and may this 'prep stage' can finally leave my mind, to enable me to take life as it is.

Allah, thank you for everything, Alhamdulillah.