Friday, March 04, 2011

when i hit my dues

Believe it or not, I will officially be 25 in about 3 weeks time. To tell you the truth, I have imagined about being 25 for a very long time. I had imagined it while growing up, during my teen years, and while laboring my brains in completing college... and during all those times, being 25 seemed so distant, that I actually wondered will the time actually come?


And here I am, another 3 Saturdays and I will be 25. The grace period will then be over, I will no longer be qualified to claim of living in the post-adolescent period, and whether I like it or not, all societal rules and requirements will now be applied to me fully. And why shouldn't they? After all, I will hit the quarter-of-a-century mark real soon.

I have an issue. I can downright be too ambitious, silently telling myself to achieve a certain standards in a few self-labelled 'walks of life'. And till I actually attained those goals, I tend to feel that my life hasn't started and I am still living in the 'preparatory stage' of my life.

I used to think it was fine, except that however this 'prep stage' has seemed to last a bit too long and has caused me to forget on how it is to actually live life on the present tense, and breathing in every moment I went through, because I was too busy planning and imagining my future life and began my daily self-talks with "One day, I will...".

The truth is, I haven't been achieving much of my goals (because I lacked focus, not persistent and simply because I want to be good at things that I reckon I will never like doing, to even begin with... but nevertheless, I still feel that I need to be good at it because my life won't be 'complete' without it).

So when being 25 is just around the corner, and I feel that this 'prep stage' is still not over, I was finally dumbstruck, to say the least. Perhaps I have completely forgotten of the fact that life is a journey, and learning or improving yourself is an on-going process. All this dilemma has also turned me into some one who is scared to death of growing old. Seriously, the only thing I liked about my birthdays is counting the wishes that I received on my facebook wall. Other than that, it will just be a day where I will bombard myself with depressing thoughts and heavily pondered on whether have I left a mark somewhere in life? True, I have forgotten on how to live by the moment.

It's my fault, but to a certain extend, I refuse to blame myself. Every human being needs validation, and my validation comes in that way; knowing to do a lot/being a high achiever.

Turning the coin on the other side; things do turn up good anyway. I might still be trapped in this small-minded 'prep stage - waiting for my life to start'... because I am still not able to converse in French well, I am still not able to take and edit good photographs, I still haven't reached my financial goals, I still haven't achieved that desired body weight and I still am not very good at doing work in my office and bla bla bla.

But at least I am a member of a happy and well-fed family. I have a degree, has traveled quite extensively, am not hideous looking and my best-friend Najmuddin and Nadirah are still by my side. Alhamdulillah.

Here's to the last few weeks of being 24, and may this 'prep stage' can finally leave my mind, to enable me to take life as it is.

Allah, thank you for everything, Alhamdulillah.

2 comments:

Zahirah Z. said...

i've got goals which i've set before turning 25, and looking back at those goals, i'm nowhere near them and it scares the shit out of me.

2011 seems like it's not a good year for me... if i were to compare it with the things i aimed to achieve as of now, but it will definitely be super awesome learning process year.

let me know how it feels being a quarter of century, and share some tips on how to 'accept' it. as my uncle once said, 25 is the peak of an individual's life, everything after that age will decline.... including health, reproduction system and everything else.

muhammad ibnu hamid said...

Zah!

I know what you mean. I myself, when looking back on what i have planned to achieve by 25, realized that I am nowhere near them. In fact, i regret fot having so many goals. Hahaha...

Anyway, fighting against growing old is pointless, coz they're inevitable. I just hope that as i age, i become wiser and are more able to handle failure.

We really shud meet up one day to discuss this. Thanks Zah for dropping by, and i hope that all is wrll eith you.