Thursday, September 27, 2012


i can honestly tell that if i were to be a stranger that walks past by myself at any random corner of any random streets, I'd probably be super tempted to ask "Are you ok, Sir?"

it's amazing on how much a simple facial expression can mask an indefinite amount of pain that somone is carrying around, and how no matter how we struggle to conceal those inner mayhems, our face just shows. openly to the world, if they were take a moment and look at us closer.

i have successfully fucked things up where possible. if you want to think that i exxagerate, go ahead. but for the first time in my life, i never knew that i have to dig really deep just to get a hold of a correct amount of strength, to at least not appear to be falling apart.

i lost a love and i miss my love. i screwed up my health. i abandoned my career progression. i have been dependant on the experts. i am depressed. i harmed people that i care about. i resent where i am and i honestly don't dare to think that things can't get shittier. because they can, and they do. and i have never cried in my life as much as i have cried in 2012.

but all that doesn't make me feel defeated.

what actually gets to me, what actually makes me feel hopeless and what actually draws all these never-ending pictures of sorrow in my head is the fact that i have to go through all of these alone here with minimal support system, with no family and very few close friends nearby.

did you know that Allah only test you with what you can handle?

i am surprised because never before i have to literally tell myself "Mad, you will be okay" many times a day just because i thought i couldn't go any further.

but who am i to fight off my fate? who am i to call off this line of life i am in, and desperately wants Allah to give me a better path?

this year IS crazy. this year stretches me. this year makes me hate myself more. this year makes me love myself more. this year makes me realize that i have lost th moon because i was too busy counting the stars. i am torn. i am torn. i am torn. i am happy. i am happy. i am happy.

i need to accept more, and expect less. i need to count my blessings. it is 1.53 in the morning. goodnight.